Tuesday, 31 March 2009
I thought I would recognize it when I found it. Spring is hopeful and depressing at the same time.
Flashbacks From The Month Of March
March 20, 2005
*When I grew up my parent’s financial situation seemed an all or nothing affair. We either had or we didn’t. I didn’t really notice not having, but at the same time there were times we didn’t have. The prevailing attitude about money was when you had it, you spent it, when you didn’t have it; you tightened your purse strings. I think what was positive about my family’s values regarding money; was they weren’t afraid to spend it. What was negative was they weren’t afraid to spend it.
*I liked that my parents would spend the money and have it provide luxuries, but I don’t think they worried about a rainy day. On the other hand, I’m glad they weren’t frozen with fear regarding only rainy days.
March 21, 2005
*Digging for the truth: I almost know who I am. I almost feel happy. I am tired of hiding my emotional failure with my weight from myself.
*There is nothing that I pretend never happened.
*Know what you really know; feel what you really feel; and say what you really mean.
March 3, 2006
*Mugga scan. Had chemo and also started a new drug for calcium replacement. The new drug ‘Pamidronite’ is given in my PICC. My chemo is Docetaxel (Taxotere).
March 10, 2006
*Went in for chemo but platelets were too low. Chemo postponed. However, excited I did receive Herceptin. Maximum dose for 1.5 hours. Will be getting blood transfusions on Thursday.
March 15, 2006
*Went to see Dr. Akra (radiologist) for my bone cancer. Cancer is on nodule 9 in spine. Told me not to bend or lift anything and to use common sense. I went for x-rays to determine the exact location. Radiation and chemo don’t happen at the same time so for now I will need to continue with chemo.
March 16, 2006
*I went to the Health Sciences for two more units of blood for a transfusion.
March 22, 2006
*Went to see Dr. Dubroska – waste of time, she checked me over than left. Wahid and I sit there for another 20 minutes until I go in the hall and ask a nurse if she is coming back. The nurse said no, that she was finished. I said, well next time, maybe she should think of telling me that.
March 22 and 29, 2006
*Went to stress reduction/relaxation support group where I met Jill, Angie and Helen. It was emotional but good.
March 31, 2006
*First time I have had taxotere, pamidronite, and herceptin all together. Felt aches and pains.
March 28, 2007
*Happy Birthday to me!
*Don’t think the xeloda is working because of the evidence of the skin cancer. I will see the doctor on Monday.
*I am 51 years old today and I am thankful to be here. Angelique will be having her baby soon; Nathan will be graduating with his Arts Degree in Philosophy; and Nadalene will be getting married. I will be here. I will be happy.
*Fear is the mind killer. When I start to fear I try to live in the ‘now’ and it helps.
*Physical attributes of fear for me are a rock in my stomach, headache, wanting to shut down and not be here.
*Mental attributes of my fear are depression, trapped; wanting to close my eyes and pretend it will be gone, deep sadness, a sense of failure.
*I am not alone, even if I feel that I am.
I just turned 53 and I had the most amazing birthday. I am still alive. I am still here. I am still able to love. I am still able to cherish.
Don’t ever give up.