Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Times Three No. 12


















Jacquie sometimes wishes she was dead. Really why wouldn’t she?

Jacquie came home the Wednesday after Sheldon died, two days before his funeral. She needed to grieve with her family and not in a hospital setting.

Camille has moved in with Jacquie to walk through the fire on a full-time basis with her. Camille has severe arthritis and will have to go back to her own home in the country in a short while.

Just about three weeks after being home, homecare is finally being set up.

Jacquie has lost her range of motion on the left side of her body and though she has regained some movement of her hand and can move the bottom of her leg, she is unable to stand are do the things that we all take for granted.

Angelique and Nadalene make dinners for them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I made dinner the other day and was going to bring it over; we had a good laugh because everyone knows I cannot cook, so Jacquie told me it was alright, they didn’t plan on having dinner that particular night (Gilbert had already cooked). Jacquie told me she was nauseated enough as is.

They have knocked out walls, doors, and put tracking on the ceiling. The tracking is where the hoist is attached to move Jacquie from her bed to the wheelchair.

Mickey decorated Jacquie’s bedroom beautifully and it looks like a wonderful lounge area.

The night before Nathan taught his first class he gathered up a bunch of papers and on the very top of the pile was a graduation card. He opened it up ‘Congrats Nate!! All that time & work definitely paid off! Good luck molding all those punk kid’s minds! Proud of you cuz! Sheldon’ The name of the first student on his roster had the same last name as Sheldon. The first letter of that child’s name was S. So the initials were exactly like Sheldon’s; S.B. The card was written on May 27, 2009 and it was the only graduation card in the pile.

You are here Sheldon; we all know it and love to be reminded.

I tell Jacquie that there were many times I wished I was dead too, but I am glad now that I am not. I know what she is saying though and how her situation is way worse. She also knows what I am saying.

Jacquie knows that during the two years I was getting chemo on a weekly basis that everyday I would fantasize that a person would come into my house when I was having a nap and blow my brains out. I didn’t want to see the person because I didn’t want to be frightened, I just wanted them to come in the house, float up the stairs, and when I had my face turned to the wall pull the trigger. It was extremely important that they didn’t scare me.

Jacquie, Camille and I talk about these strong feelings and Jacquie said I was just thinking how Sheldon would say to me right now “Mom you can’t be like this, you have to live you life.” We talk about acceptance and how amazing Sheldon was and how he knew that he had to accept his fate or the time he had left would be a living hell.

Nathan goes to sit by Sheldon’s gravesite and it makes me think of a quote I had read long ago. “They’ll come back to sit when they’re suffering.” Most of us know these places along the path where pain and suffering reside, where the heart aches beyond measure. These places where we need to sit because we are bowed by grief.

Jacquie is looking through a different lens now. Not only does she have to face the loss of her beloved son Sheldon on a daily basis but she also has to face everyday her illness, weakness, and loss of independence. These concerns do not let us see any of the good that is in front of us at this very moment. When they say to live in the now, it is hard when the now is very difficult.

Ups and downs are hard enough to handle at the best of times, never mind when the downs outnumber the ups ten to one.

Life is desperately fragile. Jacquie and I have lived and loved and grown attached to each other for over 53 years. We are such an intimate part of each others lives that having learned how to love each other we do not know what to do without each other. I love Jacquie desperately now and I know that is not how people are meant to love; desperately.

We get Jacquie home, but we can’t get her well. Life is left to be lived and Jacquie will live it as well as she is able because that is Jacquie’s way. Yes she wishes she was dead sometimes, but that is not all the time.

Cancer and what it does to you takes some getting use to.

Together strong.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

98 comments:

Marion said...

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break." ~William Shakespeare

It's good, dear Renee, that you can speak your sorrow here. I'm so sorry to hear that Jacquie is having such a hard time. Who can blame her? Not me...her burden is so heavy...And as your beloved sister and friend, your grief is palpable. But we are here to share your grief and offer our love and prayers to yours. I hope you can feel the strength & love we send you and your beloved family. Love, Hugs and Blessing---

"Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love." ~Jareb Teague

Rebecca Ramsey said...

What a beautiful, honest post.
Thank you for blessing me by sharing it. I am thinking about you and your family.
Love, Becky

Angela Recada said...

I understand Jacquie, and I understand you.

Love you,
xoxoxo
Angela

Coastal Sisters said...

I love those two words "together strong" . . very powerful.

Love to you Renee and to Jacquie and all of your family and friends.

LuLu~*xoxo

Arija said...

Together strong!
Who of us have not wished for death rather than the present pain we are in? Somehow we go on, no matter how painful it is, we still have something else to learn before we can finally go to rest.

Sarah said...

I should never put my makeup on before I read these posts...need tissue..brb...K.. love you so hon..I so wish this was not all happening to you all!! Sending gentle hugs to you both! Hang in there my friend!! Love you, Sarah

rochambeau said...

Together Strong.
I continue to pray for peace, for strength, for hope, for grace.
Lots of love dear one.
To you and your Jacquie,
Constance

Debra She Who Seeks said...

What a difficult journey you are all having right now. Many thoughts and prayers for you.

Ribbon said...

I love you

xx ribbon

Dede said...

Together strong...

(((HUGS)))

Allegra Smith said...

Show a sane person who is thrown into the beast of fire who doesn't want to die at some time or another and I will show you someone who has not really reached yet the pit of the pyre. Cancer is hell as Dante imagined it to be and then some.

But she is alive and being alive is a gift even in the middle of suffering, even when the air is too thick with sorrow to be able to breath and keep one's self alive. I love you both for your honesty, your courage and your trust. I love you because without wanting to, we belong to a sorority that someday, hopefully, will have no members. I love you because when you write I am there and I can put my arms around you and tell you that the Universe is unfolding as it should and although I wish from the depth of my being that I could change its course, like Sheldon I accept it because otherwise my life would be hell. Life after life forever.

Diva Kreszl said...

I continue to hold you and your family in my prayers.

Annie said...

My heart breaks for you and Jacquie and the family. I am glad you can talk about it here and Jacquie is lucky in this respect-to have family that loves her and supports her. I am sending prayers, love, hugs and a thousand kisses to you both. xoxo

@eloh said...

I'll be reading this many times. Thanks.

Barbara said...

Dear Renee,
How brave and kind of you to share this with us and let us send you hugs. (((here's one now)))) I love that Sheldon dropped by to inject you with his love. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Debra Kay said...

It's me, not KJ me today, but Deb me. (Although, if I show up tomorrow it will be Oliver me because he speaks on Wednesdays)

No words, just a hug, my very best, most exquisite hug, just for you.

Deborah said...

Oh Lovee, "bowed by grief" indeed. I cannot begin to imagine being you, or being Jacquie. So much loss, and yet right there in the middle of the hole left by loss is incredible love, amazing grace. Please continue to be you and to write these incredibly raw feelings, bringing us to the edge of the abyss, forcing our eyes wide open to only see Love.
Yours is The Holy Family. Such an honor to be allowed inside. All my love to you and Jacquie, Deb

Anonymous said...

Sending my love to you Renee and Jacquie as you continue your journey "together strong". Your unconditional love for each other is inspiring. Hugs and prayers, Barb

Caroline said...

Wishing your family extra strength. x

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

I can't even begin to understand the emotions and feelings you both must have during all this. My heart just aches for you both and I feel so guilty about my little complaints in life at the moment.
Your posts always do me good! Thank you♥
Love, D

karen gerstenberger said...

There are so many profound words of wisdom in this posting that I can't quote them all here, or I'd take too much space.
Having you BE with Jacquie, with your deep love and your deep understanding of her (and of her pain), has got to be one of the greatest gifts of her life. To be understood, especially when we have left the path that MOST people are on, is profoundly healing.
You have got Jacquie home, and though you cannot cure her cancer, your very love and presence can bring comfort and blessings to her heart. What would her life be without those blessings?
I cannot wrap my mind around how hard this is...it is more than any family should have to bear, and I am so very sorry that it's all going on within your family. It stinks! - but as you say, life will be lived as well as possible. That's noble and beautiful. Prayers for all kinds of blessings (and needs to be met) for you, for Jacquie and for all of your family! XOXO

Silke said...

Your posts are always a reminder to me of what's important in life! I cannot even begin to imagine what your family is going through ... and Jacqui! You are so lucky to have each other and carry each other! It reminds me to give thanks every day for my life, my family and my dear friends. Much love, Silke

yoborobo said...

I can't blame either of you for wanting to die, especially Jacquie, dealing with the loss of her beloved Sheldon. I can't imagine trying to raise my head up and find a reason to keep going, given the burdens you've been given. But I want you both to, because I am selfish, and I want to have as many of your wonderful family members here in our world for as long as possible. I know that Sheldon is looking over your shoulder, and his Mom's, sending you both his love. You have all of our prayers, dear Renee. I wish I could lessen the pain for you all. Please give Jacquie my love - xoxox Pam

Meghann LittleStudio said...

My dearest Renee, I am praying for you and thinking about you and your family constantly. I pray you weather this hurricane-like storm and come out of it. Times of grief will be followed by times of happiness and I hope those happy times come quickly for you.
I can't tell you how much I care for you and the loving hugs I send you are the warmest, kindest and biggest I can possibly give. I wish it were more.
Hugs, prayers and positive thoughts,
Meghann

Elizabeth said...

I have no words to write here -- and find the word "comment" almost offensive. Love to you and your beautiful sister Jacquie.

lakeviewer said...

I love the quote from Shakespeare provided by Marion.

What is in front of you has become even harder to bear. Mountains and boulders and torrential rains might be easier to comprehend than this. You are both strong women; your own suffering and fight and desperation are helping you see the needs and the burden your sister is under. Your words are balm, soothing relief for her, for your whole family. This is a strong family, everyone of you. You are all connected by that love that must be felt desperately.

These are powerful fighting words. Love fights to live. Love is adrenalin. Love is faith. Love is tenacity and perseverance.

Renee, you got us all thinking and wishing our love were this strong too. You are teaching us all.

Now. What is this about you not knowing how to cook?

p.s. I got a sisterhood connection-award from Tessa-connection to Cez-connection to you. We are sisters, mighty oaks to protect and nurture life around us. We are powerful creatures.

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

It's done :)
Thanks Renee!!
Love, Darla

glorv1 said...

Hope, Courage, and Faith is really all we have. Just like the award on our sidebars. Thoughts are with you and your family, always.

YayaOrchid said...

{{{Hugs}}} to you Renee!

The good life said...

your posts never fail to touch me and give me strength. thanks

Sassy Scribbles said...

it is good to have someone like Jacquie by your side and understands you well with what you're going through, in the same way she's better when she knows you're there and is even willing to cook. ^^

This is a beautiful post Renee, a bit "gloomy" but beautiful :)

Love,
Sassy.

Manon Doyle said...

I thank you my dear friend, Renee, for sharing your life with us. Your family had been through so much........ it's hard to comprehend at times..... but there is so much love amongst you.

I pray to the heavens above each day for you and your family.

love,
manon
xoxo

Noreen said...

Very touching. You and Jacquie are so fortunate to have such a loving, supportive in such a challenging time.

Renee, I continue to keep you and your family in my daily prayers.

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

We can only be strong if we are two together...such beautiful words. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts, Renee. xoxo

Allegra Smith said...

Goose, geese, gold and old. You are my dear silly goose and I will keep you forever in a nest made of dreams, feed you grapes like Ms.Moon does her chickens, and know that you will never lay an egg, even a gold one. Love you.

Sarah said...

Sending you lots of love Renee. Take care my lovely friend.xx

zoe said...

i am thinking of you and sending you my most amazing hugs and miraculous thoughts and prayers. it's very powerful stuff, you'll see ;)

staceyjwarner said...

Dearest Renee,

Wonderful post, so full of friendship, heartbreak and sorrow...this is the marrow of life.

This line is fantastic, "Cancer and what it does to you takes some getting use to." I was just with my life coach last night and he said "suffering is resisting something that is..." I hope soon she accepts how life is and finds the miracles in it. (This is no easy task but it is my hope...)

MUCH LOVE TO YOU!

Julie said...

Hi sweet Renee....I know I cannot possibly relate to having so much shit happen at one time but know that I still pray for you and send you all my love. I have two sisters one of which we lost 12 years ago in a fatal accident. I am offically older now (34) than she ever lived to be. I miss her all the time. Losing young people is all the more horrific than ugly death itself. : ( Much love to you dear soul. xxxxx

Karin Bartimole said...

I am glad that home care is being brought into place, and Jacquie's surroundings have been recreated to meet her needs. Your family is inspiring to me - I love the love you all share!!

there is also much power in the honesty of the words of pain, Renee. of course there are times that an invitation to death is given, when the exhaustion, pain, and 'too much' of this living is felt... When my pain reaches those nauseating levels, and I can't control the flow of tears, I wish for my nonexistence - to just be delivered to an endless sleep. (nothing violent - don't want my husband to have to deal with the clean up!) and ugh, to live in the moment seems the cruelest of sentences - much worse than death.
What I admire in you is your ability to see and share both - the raw ugliness of having a body that's falling apart; the beauty of love shared- signs from beyond, here and now; the humor in it all... you are a blessing my friend. i love you, k

deepazartz said...

Renee, You are a very strong woman. And your posts always make me 'think'. I feel it with you.

I missed some of your posts but surely I am always there for you...we are!

Marie S said...

“They’ll come back to sit when they’re suffering.” Most of us know these places along the path where pain and suffering reside, where the heart aches beyond measure. These places where we need to sit because we are bowed by grief.

And cancer bows you down, way down.
I love you my dear friend, it is all I can say through the tears. I LOVE you!

Ces said...

How many times everyone over PG13 has wished they are dead? I have and then I think of what may happen. My husband is going to marry a younger woman who will enjoy the fruits of my labor. She will handle that $90.00 cleaver that I bought with my own money and use my Spode and Fiesta dishes and my silver and maybe use my art supplies(!!!) and Lord knows sleep on my side of the bed and then make love to my husband and he will rub her back instead of mine! I will never rest in peace! So enough of wishing I were dead before my time.

But I hear you. Many times when I was taking care of my dying mother I wished I took her place in suffering. I wished I took my younger sister's place in her suffering when her husband died, she was 38 then and her husband and I were born on the same year and he died at the age of 40. Many times I wish I took Bella's place in her sorrowful suffering.

Then I thought that it is because of love that I felt or fell a certain way and if the people I intended to spare from suffering loved me too, then they would have wished the same for me.

So it goes that we all follow our path, some things we don't understand and some we do. Cancer sucks. I hate cancer. It pains the body, the mind, the heart and the soul of anyone associated with it but so do a lot of things, like death from a drunk driver or murder. We cannot stop living. We cannot give up. Life is good. I will bear the burden and pain of living just so I can laugh with my daughter and be kissed goodnight by my teenage son and make love to my husband even though I try to avoid most times by telling him a lie about having a headache.

soulbrush said...

jacquie is so very lucky to have you and you to have her and together you are one. i love that negro minstrel 'we shall overcome...some day.........pklese give jacquie and big kiss from me right on her forehead, tell her it has come all the way from london.

madtexter said...

The older I get, the more I know how fragile life is, and that the odds are I've got less time left on this earth than I've already had.

Living in the "Now" can be difficult, but sometimes if that's all we have, then at least we've got that (and a chance at the future).

Kelly Lish said...

Sending love your way too Renee :) I'm glad you are feeling Sheldons presence. I know he must be trying very hard to watch over both of you.

I love you beautiful friend!

soulbrush said...

thanks for thinking of me. yes i am sad, i have no reason to be, i just am. can't seem to shake it off right now. love ya renneee.xxx

Michelle said...

I feel for you, for her, for all of you. I hope she finds some peace in all that too.

xxx

Nevine said...

Renee, I wish both you and Jacquie all the best. I am deeply touched by what you've written, here, and words escape me. Just all the best...

Nevine

Daria said...

Cancer and what it does to you takes some getting use to.

That is a such a true statement.

Thinking of you and Jacquie ...

Bella Sinclair said...

The thought of Sheldon being there for Nathan's first day of school filled me with the most incredible feeling.

Dearest Renee, I had to go back and read your birthday post regarding Jacquie. I missed that one, and I'm so glad I found it. Reading about her qualities, laughing at your antics, and feeling how much you love one another made me love her all the more. You wrote, "...she is tenacious and never gives up." Those words never rang truer. Seeing you both stand strong and march forth gives me the strength to do the same.

xoxo

Sonia ;) said...

I think Ive been wallowing lately in self pity dear friend...and now I realize it could be worse. I always knew that, just lost sight of it. I start working from home by Thursday...Will be able to create as I take calls, read my blogs, and just be me...And go to work in my jammies.....Sometimes we lose sight of what is right in front of us, Life.

Love you dear friend...Kiss and Hug Jacquie for me....

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Renee,

I wished we could wave a magic wand around!
My heart aches for your family, you and Jacquie are going through so much.
Together Strong!
My prayers are going out to you all for strength and courage.

Hugs & love
Carolyn xo

secret agent woman said...

I love how honest you are within your family. So many people don't talk about those strong feelings or acknowledge their thoughts about death because they think that verbalizing them has some powerful negative magic. But I think it works in the opposite way - it binds you, and holds you up. Together strong indeed.

All my love to you and Jacquie (I hope she knows she is loved by many of your readers form afar.)

Kathleen said...

What candor and strength in your words. I've wondered about the wisdom of "now" when the present bears so much pain. You've given me much to think about. Sending comfort from afar. . .

kj said...

How could I not think of you dear Renee even as
i feel such gratitude?

Xoxo

Pattee said...

Renee,
Jacquie will be in my thoughts along with you.

What a brave woman to say she wants to die and also say she wants to live. That is courage.

Wouldn't it be easier sometimes to blow or have someone we don't know blow our brains out and it all be over.

But then it would just be over wouldn't it. Maybe not knowing you had another moment with a grandchild ~ or a hug by a sibling...a smile from you're child.

Brave women both of you are...
Love~Pattee

Caroline said...

I don't have eloquent words or anything smart to say. Just that I remember the days, life does go on. Each day is different, from crazy desperate to beautiful and simple. Remember one thing "love" the only thing worth anything.
You are in my prayers,
thank you for sharing.
Caroline

Sophia said...

I always admire the honesty and openness in your writing about what you are dealing with and how it really makes you feel. I often hold back quite a bit, because I feel like people don't care THAT much. Then I come across yours and the group of individuals that follow you and support you...apparently the entire world are not idiots and jerks.

Once again, thank you for your inspiration that helps me get through many of my own days.

(hugs)

PS Yes, you may use my post today. Love you!

Great-Granny Grandma said...

"Together strong" -- two corageous women walking through a dark valley together. My heart goes out to you and Jacquie and I pray that soon the sun will start to shine through the clouds. Hugs. xo

Silver said...

Why do i know what you're talking about? Every word of it. Every emotion with the word hope hanging in the air..for all of us, even those without the plague of illness-'coz then it will be the struggle with something else.. and on most days, to just sheer defiance.

Right now, my emotions is best expressed by Charles Schulz: My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?

love you much..

Silver

Chrisy said...

Thank you for trusting us with you thoughts - thoughts that have been shared by many of us - but, in my case, because of fear, not articulated. My darlin girl please know that your honesty is a gift that I'm profoundly grateful for. And my heart goes out to you as you suffer along with Jacquie, and to Jacquie as she wades through this horrible time. My love always...

Pattee said...

No I know Renee It's important to be here now.. I get reminded about it if I don't remember... don't we all.

I've caught a funky bug.. sore throat, and ackey bones... going to bed soon to take care of them...

This moment is all we have.
Love to you my dear REnee~
PAttee

peggy apl said...

thank you for visiting my blog and for your kind words. i lost my first husband to cancer when i was 33 years old with a 3 year old daughter. my prayers are with you.
peggy

A Cuban In London said...

Together strong. I loved that phrase, but I also understand Jacqui. It's ever so difficult to be strong at all times. Yes, cancer is lethal and no one knows what it does to you. My thoughts are with you and you family.

Greetings from London.

Mim said...

What a tough life this is.
please send love to Jacquie; I can't believe what that family is going thru...
and to you and thank you for all your support - much love and hugs; mim

miruspeg said...

My dear Renee
That was the most moving blog post I have EVER read.
I will remember your words for a long long time.
You are such a shining light in the universe.
I feel very humble in your presence.
Keep smiling....keep shining.
Big hugs
Peggy xxx

yoborobo said...

Love you, Renee. xoxox Pam

♥ Braja said...

I think it's life is what does it to you....and everything in it gives a chance at something....

♥ Braja said...

Damn I hope that didn't sound vague....

I don't know what you speak of, what's going on....I don't have the available time to sift thru your blog but I will look back and try and see....

Tessa said...

Did you know, Renee, that I was thinking of you? Is that why you went over to the armadillo? Yes, I was thinking hard about you while sitting outside in the sun by my herb garden while trying to finish a card/letter to a friend in South Africa whose son is terminally ill. I thought of you and Sheldon and Jacquie - of Wahid and Nathan and your girls. Perhaps it was because I saw Ces'drawing of you and it filled me with a quite inexplicable mixture of love and awe and sorrow? But I think more than anything I was thinking of your grace. You are filled with grace, Renee. I finished the letter then and came inside to my study. As I walked over to my computer, I saw the 'you've got mail' icon flashing. It was you. Wow, I thought, how flippin' amazing.

And your message? It made me smile because I know that Guy would love you to bits and pieces.

Annie said...

More love and hugs.xoxo

Skeleton In My Closet said...

Wow.

You left a comment on my blog regarding my art so I came to 'see' about you.

I leave heartbroken at your situation, humbled by your honesty and inspired by your courage.

What an incredibly powerful blog. It reminds me of how shallowly the rest of us live our lives.

{{{{{{{{Hugs to you and your family}}}}}}}

Josie

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Many thoughts for you.I'm praying for you and your Jaquie.

Allegra Smith said...

She was wet and cold, but hanging still way up there. For a moment I truly wished I was at least nine feet tall but then I decided that it should be what it should be without my interfering. The goose is getting up today, at least for a little while if the woozies leave her alone.

How is Jacquie? I know how you are because I know where you are all the time. Did Ces tell you about the little birds and the contrary one who is always looking right when the rest are looking left. L.A.L.F.

Miss Becky said...

the moonlight award is placed next to your post. appropriate I think. reading what you write makes me feel like being still for awhile. words don't seem enough
xoxoxoxo

The Things We Carried said...

Oh, my heart aches at this post. And yet you have beautifully articulated the raw frailty of being human.

Javajune said...

Oh I'm so sorry Renee. I didn't know that Sheldon had passed. This was a beautiful post and I love the artwork. All my love and comfort to you and the family!
xo-jj

drollgirl said...

my mom had cancer, so i can relate to this.

and life has so many ups and downs. many times i feel that i am not properly equipped for life, but i am assuming others might feel that way too. so the march continues, both in good times and bad times.

TERI REES WANG said...

I guess we all need to learn how to "Defy Gravity".

www.myss.com

The Gypsy said...

You are strong, and you are brave, but most of all, your spirit shines so bright.

mermaid said...

So much weight to carry. How will you, or she do it? How long? Will it ever lighten up.

May the merit of your collective wisdoms be spread to all corners of the Earth.

Isabel said...

Beautifully touching writing about the fragility and preciousness of life, my dear friend.

Makes us all think about life diferently.

Every time I hear the name Sheldon now, I think about your Sheldon and I smile.

xox
Isabel

Anonymous said...

So beautiful and so powerful Renee...
Love you,
Yvette

Nicole Barton said...

Hauntingly beautiful Renee...
I totally agree about Emmanuel...I vote Tara Jean or Vincent!
Take care,
Sending you smiles :o)

Yvonne Anderson said...

11th Verse of the Tao Te Ching says;

Thirty spokes converge upon a single hub;
it is on the hole in the center that the use of the cart hinges.

Shape the clay into a vessel;
it is the space within that makes it useful.
Carve fine doors and windows,
but the room is useful in its emptiness.

The useful of what is depends on what is not.


A composer once said to Dr W.Dyer that the silence from which each note emerges is more important than the note itself.
He said that it's the empty space between the notes that literally allows the music to be music- if there's no void, there's only continuous sound.

Sheldon is there in the spaces between....We all are.....

I think of you all often xx

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

"Together strong"... those are beautiful words and I hope you, Jacquie, & all your family can remain strong.
I love what Marion wrote and I too am glad you have this venue to write & speak of the sorrow that almost engulfs you.
Be well my friend, be strong.
Lizzy

LDWatkins said...

How good it is for Jacquie to have you and you, Jacquie. Sisters. We love you both, and you've become part of our families. Love you, Lynda

Sue said...

Poignant, touching and inspirational, as so many of your posts are. My heart hurts for what Jacqui is going through and also for you.

I think of you often as I carry on with my day and am thankful for life.

Hugs to you.

nollyposh said...

Love you girl <3
You teach us what suffering is and you teach us to love every precious God given moment that we are gifted... And one day when we meet in Heaven i will hug you for these very precious gifts x

Silver said...

Your love warms me. ;)

What Ces said here made me think. Honest remarks and comments like that are really the best ones, especially when it's coming from the heart.

I thought, isn't that true?

But then, i thought of it again, but what if i have reached a point in my life where i have been so tempered, nothing really mattered anymore? And if i don't care anymore, then whatever happens after i am dead won't bother me either.

Most days i feel like i am just floating by.. and if the day don't bother me too much- then i haven't got much to complain about. I am a happy gal.

It's bearable. i just shrug it off and call it, another day.

..One day a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time. This is how we go on.

love u much,
Silver

Julie-ann Bowden said...

Renee and Jacquie, you are both so very special. Your brave and loving.
Bless you both so much!

mrsb said...

You all remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Maria-Thérèse afiori.com said...

I am so sorry to hear this and that you are ill. I hope you will get better - can't you get better? Beat the odds, show them?

Thank you for visiting me ♥

~* The Beldame on Peach Street *~ said...

You know what I'm amazed by? It seems like every member of your family is capable of keeping their sense of humor even during the most desperate of times. You all amaze me and I love YOU to pieces!

Last night at the fair, my SIL, whom I love, stood under the umbrella during the drizzling rain that went from light to quite heavy at times. She was the picture of perfection and I felt sorry for her. Meanwhile, I looked like a drowned rat. I wasn't just watching the kids, I was being one with them. God that's fun! ;)

Jamie

Laume said...

I was flitting along on Vanessa's lovely party posts and came to your blog. My first thought - oh, someone I haven't met before - and I scrolled along, reading your posts, impressed by all the beautiful imagery. But mostly, I am struck dumb. With emotion. Not sad, not happy, just pure. I know some of the darker paths you tread, in my own way. I have lost relatives and friends. I have lost a son. There's grief there that is bottomless, but it also intensifies the joy of being able to be here, with each other, for however long that might be. Thank you for such a "real" blog. I will come and visit again. I am enclosing a hug, I hope it works, drifting out like a pale ghost from your computer screen and enfolding you with warmth and love.

Stella Dora von Swineburg said...

We're sending you prayers and quiet giggles!

Oops! Desperate Blogger~ said...

Our dog went to heaven yesterday. Grief has taken me by surprise. I knew I had to read your blog posts today, this morning, now. Thank you Renee, for sharing your most intimate feelings and your perspective. in case you do not know...you help others gain perspective daily...
Much love to you and Jacquie and all of your loved ones. Together strong...
Cindy