Friday, 18 December 2009


Did I tell you that I have a colony of bats who hang upside down in my guts? Well I do.

All day long they fly around and hit the walls of whatever is inside those guts. Bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG, bang, bang……..BANG, BANG…..

It is not comfortable to say the least.

You know it is hard to maintain my girlish figure of 217 pounds and right now I am worried about doing so as I am always starving and can’t get things down my throat. Either because the tumors are pressing on the esophagus and won’t let me swallow or whatever I’ve eaten hits my stomach and makes me nauseated.

I feel like I did when I was on taxotere and now I’m not even on it and feel like shit.

Bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG, bang, bang……..BANG, BANG…..

I have spent a few nights retching my guts up and nothing comes up. It is blocked and so all I do is retch and retch and feel like I cannot breath.

Angelique was over the first night with the kids and ended up having to clean me up and the floor, poor girl. Nadalene came over later and I was able to sleep.

The next time Nadalene came over and lied beside me and helped me feel better. Angelique came over later with Domenic but I was asleep by then.

Nathan and Wahid take earlier shifts listening to me call for pail, water, cloth, they hear me choke out ‘Sit on my bed and don’t move in case I can’t breath. Don’t leave me alone.’

I need them to listen to me try to catch my breath. I need them to bare witness to my misery. It is not easy and I just want to feel better.

Bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG, bang, bang……..BANG, BANG…..

I have now added a new trick to my repertoire I foam at the mouth. Funny, yes and no! Funny in the ‘what the fuck is that next department’ but not funny in the ‘for Christ’ sake it feels like I’m choking on foam.’

Also I am very selfish and always have been. I catch myself complaining to dear Jacquie all about this and hardly ask how she is because I’m so wretched myself. And Jacquie who is as unselfish as they come cries over me.


A Cuban In London said...

The stark contrast between your previous post and this proves that you're a strong person. And yet, what does that mean? Today I went to the dentis near central London and on my way back saw all the crowds gearing up to spend money, going on a shopping spree for Christmas. Perspective, such a funny word and yet when one reads posts like this, the term hits you on the face like the cold wind blowing through my adopted city now, or like one of those bats roaming your guts.

I wish you and your family better.

Greetings from London.

Anonymous said...

Renee, you have never been selfish. I am heartbroken to hear of your suffering and your children are amazing in their care for you. I will pray continually for you. I will bombard heaven for you. I love you so much. Barb

Deborah said...

Oh Lovee, I am so glad that you wrote this honesty,this truth of your life. I want to know this truth and make this journey with you.

"I will sit on your bed corner, as still as the night, and I shall never leave your side, my love. I shall hold your head gently between both of my hands as you try to rid yourself of that which is choking you. I will wipe your brow of the sweat formed by your great effort to remain on this earth. I shall wash your face with my tears. I will never leave you. I will never disappear. I am always with you, within you. I have written my Promise in the sky."

To the Lord I cried,
why curse me with this cross
and He replied,
Ah, Child, if you could only see,
it is with this cross
that I bless thee.
Take but a splinter;
bear that much for Me
and I shall take upon My shoulders
the burdon of the weight,
for it is in the struggle
that your life has beauty to me.
You never walk alone;
I go ahead of thee
To my Father's house
where I prepare a place,
For upon this cross
I shall lift you up to grace.

I love you dearest Renee. You have changed me, you reduce me to love.

In the Light of the Moon said...

Sweet Renee,I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you!Well I'll give it a try...hug..hug..squeeze..squeeze...
Tight...Tighter..I know it's not much,but I'm with you and praying for you..sweet Renee.Love,Cat

Annie said...

I am writing this with tears streaming down my cheeks. I am so glad you finally told us what is going on even if it is heartbreaking. Whenever I think I am having a bad day, I think of you dear Renee and know that I have no idea what a bad day is.
I love you. Kisses. Wish I could be there to help you breath, so glad you have such a wonderful family.
xoxo Annie

Shaista said...

Cambridge is a snow globe today dear Renee, a white bright light washing everything clean for a temporary while. Sunlight is dancing on the edges of the willow leaves, a little warmth and plop plop, the snow soughs down..

Try not to leave your tummy empty. A sip of milk, a suck of mint chocolate, one slurp of chicken soup made from the bones. Is someone giving you some reiki? Apply a little tiger balm to your temples, for the scent of menthol and eucalyptus..

Angela Recada said...

My dearest, you are not selfish. This is torture. There is no other word for it. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you and Jacquie and your family. This disease is a horrific monster, and you are valiant warriors. I love you so much.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Darling Renee...Have you noticed how kind you are when others are suffering and how harsh you are to yourself when you are suffering? It's almost like you direct your anger at the world for these horrible circumstances at yourself. Could you hold yourself (metaphorically) as if you were your only child? Be compassionate with your dear, suffering self.

We are wired to think of ourself when in pain, distress or suffering - this is to ensure our survival. You do not have to rebuke yourself for taking some of your thoughts away from your dear Jaquie and bringing them to yourself in your suffering....this is natural and essential.

Oh who am I suggesting to you how to be during this difficult just seems that right now you need tenderness from without and within.

Love and light. Bonnie xxoo

Anonymous me said...

Selfish is not a word I associate with you Renee, far from it. I am glad you have people there to provide what comfort they can with company so that you aren't alone. I know that it can only help so much though. God, I wish I wish I wish. I have been re-learning the rosary (how does one forget something so deeply ingrained?). You are in my prayers regardless of their form. As always. xx Jos

Sonia ;) said...

Lovey...I can bear witness for you. My dad went through the same thing...I Love you and I know it does not help at all....Please know Im sitting next you rubbing your back, putting my arms around you with that soft blanket. Jacquie is there for you, just as you have been for them. Your not selfish...It feels good to know others understand. Its the most miserable and fucking awful feeling. As my Dad said" Feels like something is trying to choke me from the inside out."

GOD Lovey, you have been the dearest friend to me ever...remember its ok to be selfish once in awhile. You have given so much to everyone that its time for you...

I love you LOVEY...I know what your going through and I am reliving it with you.


Poetic Artist said...

I am glad you share your honesty. Instead of hiding it.
My heart is so sadden for you and my prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family.
I do wish I could reach out to wipe your face and sit by your side and let you know I care.

soulbrush said...

oh renee, my heart is breaking. you always try to be so strong for others, and you hide what is happening to you. i wish i could take those bats away and give you rest and a soothing tummy,throat and mind. i feel everything for you (and jacqui) and i am eternally grateful for your wonderful kids and wahid. hang in there, this too shall end. bless you forever
joss xx

Angie Muresan said...

Renee, you are one of the most amazing people that I have ever known or heard of. You have a beauty that shines and a strength little heard of.
So very happy for your lovely family.
Hugs and prayers and kisses.
Tons of them.

Anonymous me said...

Oh absolutely, Daisy and Jacquie are right up there with you on my list Renee, for keeps, never doubt it. xx Jos

Marion said...

God Bless You, dear pal of mine...My heart is broken for your suffering, dear, precious Renee. I, too, am bombarding heaven with prayers and shaking my fist while doing it.

(My Ray recently had a hernia at the base of his esophagus and experienced a little of what you are going through. We had to rush him to the ER a few weeks back as he was choking and they had to push a tube down his throat and found the was benign, but he's on medication for 3 months and can't eat much meat. It was horrifying, he said, to not be able to swallow or breathe and he sends you his love and prayers, too).

When you need to complain, we are all here to listen and give you love, empathy and sympathy, Renee. We are your shoulders to cry on, so don't ever hold back or feel selfish. Let it all pour out and we'll hold you up with our prayers and good thoughts. You are so loved, dearest Renee.

May God ease your suffering and give you peace.

I love you more than chocolate, you skinny bitch. LOL!!! XOXOXOXO

Tom Bailey said...

I am confident out of this you will create something possible for yourself that inspires you.

Speaking of bats... when you said that the only thing that kept going through my head was the joke...

What did the rat say when he saw a bat?

Look an Angel!!!

Kindest regards and I wish you and your family the very best.

Lilacrobin said...

Dear Renee,
One word I would NEVER use to describe you is selfish.... you are as unsefish as they come....

I can only echo what has already been written above my comments - how I wish there was more I could do than just say prayers... but, I am praying for you - for healing, for faith, for continued strength, for the hope you will be able to swallow soup -

Know that you have some deeply loving friends all around the are an important part of our lives and we want you to recover - stay strong - continue to fight... your famiy wants this and so do we all.

Sending you love and many prayers,


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Begone, bats! Where's that magic wand when you so desperately want one? I wish only ease and comfort for you, and may you get in to see that specialist soon.

Catherine said...

Darling Renee, I am so sorry to hear how much pain you are in. I wish I could clear the bats and calm the banging for you. I so wish there was something I could do to help you. Just know I am always thinking of you.

Love, Catherine

secret agent woman said...

Oh, Renee - it is not selfish to want others to be with you and to know what you are going through. And you and Jacquie cry over each other because of your love for each other. Selfishness just doesn't enter the picture here.

Bogey said...

Renee, sadly, even with todays technology, all I can offer you would be these simple words of encouragement and a cyber hug from my corner of the world. I would hardly consider you either selfish or wretched. Your kindness and consideration for others has already preceded your own sentiments of yourself. I dare anybody to live through what you have to and still offer up words of support for those around you. Be kind to yourself.

karen gerstenberger said...

Dear Renee, how awful this sounds! You are not selfish; you are human! Wanting company in the midst of trying to catch your breath and being sick sounds perfectly normal, to me. Nausea is one of the worst sensations. UGH.

I love your image of the bats. You are so funny, even in the midst of such suffering; you are a heroine! You always seem to teach me something important.

I wish I could take the pain and discomfort away, and I pray for relief and healing for you. Sending much love! xoxoxoxo

Jessie said...

Hi Renee, thanks so much for coming to visit my blog and your lovely comment! :) I'm so sorry you're suffering like this, it must be very scary. I send you my love and wishes for a happy christmas. Jess xx

clairedulalune said...

My dear friend Renee, I wish I could make this all go well away from you and all else suffering this horrid disease, but all I can do is let your know that my tears are falling and my hand is squeezing yours.
I am so sorry, I am heartbroken for you. ((Hug))

Allegra Smith said...

Oh my love, why is it that I know exactly the feeling? As I said I wish there was some way that chemo will do harm only to the cursed cancer and leave the rest of us alone. Listen to what works for me and maybe it will work for you.

I know the problem with your throat is different but if you can chew some Chimes, the ginger chews I am talking about here not the ones outside in the garden, peppermint are the best for the nausea in my case so I am sure they will work for you, vain as I am thinking we can do everything in tandem you and me, sigh... anyway I was telling you about how
chewing the Chimes slowly numbs the throat a bit, and holds the darn nausea down.

Sit up, you don't need me to remind you of that, get a humidifier no matter how humid the room you are may be. Put your pillows in a pile behind your back and get some peppermint oil or eucalyptus oil and put some in it.
Both have medicinal qualities to keep the breathing passages clear and that may help if in no other way psychologically to avoid panic, not that anyone of us who think Death is sitting by our side of the bed would ever panic over not being able to breath, just saying.

And above all feel sorry for yourself whenever you feel like doing so, and I absolutely forbid you, you hear me? FORBID YOU to feel any kind of remorse over this.
We are carrying more than our share of discomfort and anxiety and the least the Universe can do after the screw up with our lives is to be quiet and hear us feel sorry.

Tell Jacquie I am thinking of her and I know we will get rid of that darn tumor. And yours and mine and B.Loved's and we will have drinks next year, and your girly figure is going to hell because I am bringing my Boccone Dolce to share with the champagne. I love you, LALF.

PS: the word verification is

sting! now what are the odds?

Linda said...

Who told you to write a blog about cancer and invite the world along on this very private path?


You did that. Your honesty shines like a beacon to those who love you, to those that are also sick, to those who are afraid and need encouragement.

And here it is, this blog with so many responders, so many people who would give anything for you to be well. Whatever it is that is best in each of us is shared here is the face of this horrible trail you must bear.

We are not physically there, and yet we are there. I think of you so many times in a single day. You are always on my mind, dearest Renee. Multiply that by everyone here.

So when YOU need to vent, we are here to listen and bear witness to your fight, your pain and your frustration. There is nothing you cannot say here. No being able to breathe must be terrifying. Enough already!

In the midst of all this, you keep up this blog so that we can share your life. Where in all of this in there anything besides selflessness?

The elephant in the room has been named. We are here to offer you all the love we have and to use accurate words and truth.

You are Golden, darling.

xoxo right back at you

Meghann LittleStudio said...

There comes a point, my dearest Renee, when we all need a witness, a helper, a heart nearby when we are suffering. When we can't be an island (and why the hell should we be?) we need a companion. You are NOT selfish, you need a friend. I am sorry I cannot be there to help you. I am praying for you every single day. I am glad that you have loving family with you right now. You are NOT selfish, you DESERVE family and love around you when you are enduring such horror.
I love you and so does God.
Prayers and gentle hugs,

Anonymous said...

I read your blog every day, sometimes twice a day,,,,and I think of you all day. I hope you know how much you are in my thoughts and how loved you are.
Love Chrissy

Vicki Holdwick said...


I wish I had more to give you than this, but I continue to send a boatload of positive energy - I wish I knew how to send pain relief and breathing help as well.


Renee said...

Oh Chrissy:

You are the sweetest and I hope you know that we are all mad for you.

I love you darling girl.

Love Auntie Renee xoxox

Sarah said...

Oh Renee how awful this is for you and your family. Selfish is not a word for you, not at all. I am so sad for you and wish I could do something more than say that. If only wishes were horses. I love you.xx

zoe said...

renee, sweetie, i'm so sorry. you are so tough, and so unselfish, and such a source of constant joy for so many people here and wherever you are. this is going to go away, it's going to get better. we are all praying for you, and there is nothing stronger.

Ces said...

Oh Renee, Reneee, the weather is warmer here today and I don't need a sweater yet after reading your post I am so cold, so very cold. I want to say bad things to some unseen object or being I am holding responsible for your suffering but I know there is no one to blame and be held accountable. So I just hope, hope and pray for relief from pain. Why , why, of all people, you with your wit, your intelligence, your wisdom, you understanding, why make you suffer so painfully. I have a weak stomach and GI tract, and I vomit quite easily the acid erodes my esophagus, and have abdominal pain and I know that the discomfort I have is not long lasting only when I eat certain foods. I can only imagine the agony, the disgust and feeling sorry and ah yes, you can complain to me, I understand, I do understand.

Oh look the word verification is doing the swearing for me and it knows I am Ilonggo "orypota"

Eleonora said...

I am shattered to hear of your pain. But I am comforted that your children are awesome in the care and love they put in for you. Oh, and you, my sweet suffering Renee, have never been selfish.

Please hang in there Renee, never mind the foam and the bats– you be strong and try to keep something down. Juice, maybe? Or a smoothie, some ice cream. You need the energy to fight this thing.

I'm scared, because pain and suffering scare me. I cannot cope. You, on the other hand are handling it superbly. I admire your strength and courage, as always.

Your friend,
Lola xx

RNSANE said...

My greatest fear is to be ill like this and to be alone. I have three adult sons and I think they would be there for me but I have been divorced nearly 17 years now and live by myself.

As a nurse for over forty years, I have witnessed so much pain and suffering - in the last 21 years in the forensic field doing adult and child sexual assault cases, it was more mental anguish - but, in the years before, I saw physical suffering. I still lament that, with all our scientific accomplishments, patients - our beloved = must still suffer as you do.

I feel deeply for you, dearest Renee...anxiety about breathing has to be the worst thing in the world. I have never been this ill and I pray never to be...but I wish you were not. All I can do is wish you sleep, easier breaths, a settled stomach so you can keep something down, and an sense of being enveloped by love - since that you do have in abundance.

Manon Doyle said...

I wish I could take all this pain away from you sweetheart! I'm praying so hard for you!! I will tell everyone to pray for you! My best healing thought are being sent to you!!

i love you

Baino said...

You have every right to complain sweet girl. Every right. Is there nothing that can be done to relieve your symptoms. Your family are amazing, they love you and you do anything for the ones you love, anything. All else has been said here and even if we are virtual support, know that we are here for you, not just your posts.
I read that there is a drug called octrotide that might help.

Michelle said...

Oh Renee. I love you.


linda cardina said...

dearest renee,

i am so so angry right now. i fucking hate cancer! u are not selfish in the least. no one should ever have to go thru this. your honesty is so appreciated...i just wish i could hug u, renee. my heart is broken...........

love u,

lakeviewer said...

Good God, you are not being selfish. You are trying to stay alive, stay comfortable enough to sleep and eat and have a conversation.
Dear God, you nee a miracle my friend.
I know you are patient, and have not asked for yourself.
It's time to ask.
I'm typing the request and sending it up in triplicate. To all departments. ASAP.

Unseen Rajasthan said...

You should be proud that you are a strong person !! I Really appreciate this..

kathy hare said...

I also received your card today! how lovely! it has pride of place on my mantelpiece.. xxx

I'm so sorry that you are so unwell at the moment... I wish you well my darling friend and hope that you feel better by christmas..

Love to you and all of your family xoxoxo

studio lolo said...

I can't begin to say I know how you feel because I don't.

I can't compare your experience with others I have known who have suffered similar things. You each have your own process.

I can't give you really sound medical advice because you're not four-footed ;)

All I can do is offer you my good wings for your broken ones.
I can offer you an open heart that you can pour your sorrows into.
I can offer you open arms that will envelop you with love.
And I can also offer you anything of mine that you would ever need more than me.

I love you Renee, Raven Sister extraorinaire ;)

I'm right here.


turquoise cro said...

O!Renee! Hang in there and I will pray to GOD to get rid of those nasty bats!!Allegra sounds like she has some great remedies for YOU! Hope something works to the good for YOU! I wish I was there to HUG YOU and wipe away the foam! ((((((((Renee)))))))) Thinking of YOU and your sis! Love and prayers are being sent your way darling girly!

Diva Kreszl said...

Oh dear Renee, I wish I could just offer you some relief and comfort. I am continuing to hold you in my prayers dear one, may God wrap His loving arms around you and restore you to good health.

drollgirl said...

i sure wish i could make this better. it just sounds awful, and it is so unfair.

LDWatkins said...

Nothing makes sense. I want you to have time free of pain, free of dreading pain, free just to be. You are so strong and do not know the meaning of being selfish. You've always been there for others. We are all here for you, dear Renee. Even though it is not a physical contact and we can't be there to help, we are with your spirit and we love you. God bless you and your family. Lynda

yoborobo said...

Renee - it has been hard for me to comment here today. I am at a loss for words to say to you. All I can say is that I truly wish I was there to help you, to sit with you, to hold your hand. Please know that I love you, and pray with all my heart for you. You are not alone, my sweet friend. Never, ever. xoxoxox Pam

Anonymous said...

Even in the hardest of times still you are so generous in your beautiful nature. By detailing exactly how you feel, you are allowing those who love you to feel like they are able to do something tangible to help ease your suffering, you let them listen, you let them scoop up your words and chew them up for you, so that they are easier for you to swallow. You allow them, at the time that they feel the most helpless to actually feel like they have some strength, that they play an important part in your battle. You have given the gift of allowing others to feel less helpless.
Lover you are always giving.
I love you, i really really love you, you sit in the bottom left corner of my heart, i feel you there, i honestly do.
There is not a day since I met you that you have not been in my mind and heart, not one single day.
(Im smiling right now) I have told so many people about you, you have no idea how many people know of Renee in this world, your name is spoken through smiling lips and whispered to ourselves when we find life being difficult, you are a reminder to be strong, not inflexible, but like a willow tree, graceful, flowing and bending with what comes our way. You are an inspiration, you are divinely human, imperfectly perfect and the best sister friend I could have ever wished for.
I LOVE YOU, you mean the world to me.

Ribbon said...

Dear beautiful Renee how bloody horrible for you.
I like all of us hate the thought of a loved one suffering and yet there is nothing we can do but continue to love you.

Thank goodness you are who you are and have people on hand to care for you.

Big love to you and all your family. I wish I was able to be there to give a helping hand in some way.
Big hugs for your loved ones as they too must be suffering witnessing your suffering.

Here's hoping father christmas pulls off a miracle xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

ps word verification 'afticope'...
means 'have to cope' (said with aussie accent)

Mim said...

I'm with Lolo on this, much love sent your way.

Debbie said...

Dear Renee, I can't tell you how horrible I feel for you during this awful illness. I can only tell you that I will keep praying that you will soon be well. You are not selfish, only brave and wonderful.

kj said...

You are loved moon sister, heart sister.

When is that damn tea I sent going to arrive? I had it concocted for you to swallow more easily.

I am furious you are having this trouble. Noi'm not politeabout it! Please God give Renee a break.

What else cam I say except I love you and watch for the mail man orail woman. Surprises happen around christmas... Xoxo

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Oh Renee, I hate those bats and what they are doing to you. And I hate feeling so powerless to help you. All I can say is that you are a most incredibly awesome person, blessed with a most incredibly awesome family. And you are also one of the strongest, most unselfish people I know. Don't be so hard on yourself.
(((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) x o

Elizabeth said...

I wish that I could come over there and take some of those bats, heave them away, away from you and your precious life. I wish that I could breathe for you or at least help it along.

Be better. You are much loved.

Jaliya said...

You, Renée, selfish? You're going through this and you sent me a Christmas card which arrived two days ago? You for whom I've just read the 41 love-notes (aka comments) that came before this one?

You ... your love is contagious.

Godspeed, my friend, whatever happens xoxoxoxoxoxox Bless you and your kin and the marvelous Renée Ripple Effect of unceasing love.

P.S. Angels surround you, in every form. I'll even dare to believe that I'm one of them. -- There! I've been selfish! I thought a kind thought about *me*!! --> That's what I think when I consider what "selfish" may mean to you. To give yourself mercy -- **especially now** -- is the best medicine you will ever receive, no matter what ... xoxo

So there! ;-P


Barbara said...

Oh, Renee, bless your heart. I hate that you are suffering so. I am reaching out a hand to you to squeeze. Squeeze it hard. And don't be sorry you do. Because you deserve many many hands caressing you, sifting through your hair to comfort you. Letting you know that we care for you, and if there were more that we could do, we would. All of us. Feel better, sweet Renee.xoxo

Angie Muresan said...

I couldn't sleep and thought of you. Got on my knees and said a little prayer for peace and comfort to surround you.

Bella Sinclair said...

Squeak, squeak, squeak, my darling. Squeak like you've never squeaked before. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I cannot believe they are making you suffer this long. Demand to be seen. Demand treatment now. Retching and being unable to eat, feeling like you might stop breathing in the middle of the night...that absolutely breaks my heart and is completely unacceptable. Oh, Renee. How I wish I were there to sit by the side of your bed and give you my hand to squeeze whenever you felt pain. How I wish. I am terribly upset and will go down on my knees tonight to have a word with the big guy. This is not right.

Marie said...

I am sorry that you and your children have to suffer so Renee. God willing one day they will have a cure for this terrible disease which steals our loved ones from us, one tiny chunk at a time. As always you are in my prayers dear friend. Sending love as always.

Anonymous said...


PurestGreen said...

Oh, dear and lovely Renee. I think you must be the strongest woman alive.

Dede said...

Renee you are the most UNselfish person I have ever known. Sometimes we all need that gentle hand on our back and that voice that says it is going to be ok. Please don't be so hard on my friend, she is a wonderful person. I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad, wishing it gone.


Marion said...

I'm so sorry, Renee. I hardly know you and yet I am in awe of your strength and your empathetic spirit. Dear God, I wish I could take the bats away.

Can I offer long distance Reiki? It would be great if someone with you could give you Reiki. But if there is no one, let me can help tremendously.

Silver said...

i hate to say that i think i know the part about being selfish.. i always feel like one because everyone else around me is just too nice and accomodating.. ben, my children, my sister Jackie..(!) but i think that only shows how lucky we are to be so loved and pampered by people who mean the world to us too..

if you are selfish, hey..that makes two of us. We should do lunch sometime! ;D

love you much,

Arija said...

Dearest Renee,



Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Dear Renee,

You don't know me. I came here because somebody told me to say a prayer. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish that I could hold your hand for just one moment and say, "I care."
I am happy that at least someone is there to help you and stay next to you when you need them the most. That isn't selfishness; it is just human instinct to have someone near to help you and pamper you and love you when we get sick. It is just normal.
I have no words to tell you how I feel. My heart and prayers are with you.

Nina P. said...

Oh Dear soul, my heart reaches out across the miles to you, to hold you, to comfort you to strengthen you and give you Hope. May God Bless You with His Healing Power and Grace. May He Comfort and Strengthen you and may He Grant you His Peace. Find comfort in those around you, gain strength from their strength, cry with them, laugh with them, share with them.... God sends Angels in many forms and it sounds like you have many around you now. Listen to their gentle wings, Feel their warm touch and Know they are with you always. Blessings to you my friend and may God Bless and Keep you always. Love and Light, Nina P

Anonymous said...

"LOVER". my dear sweet sister, you are far from selfish, you are one of the most compassionate people I know.

It breaks my heart to see all the pain and crap you are going through,and I pray to God to help you not suffer in anymore pain and help you to be able to eat and enjoy what you are eating and to be able to breathe easier.

I love you so very much and I just want you to be free of all this shit,take care of yourself lover . xoxo

Deanna said...

Selfish? Never. Your character,strength and bravery never cease to amaze me. I will pray for you, and I send you my love.


Karin Bartimole said...

There you go, calling yourself selfish again. Yes, you are, but wholly (holy) in all the right ways. Bravely declaring your Selfness to the world and giving us all permission to scream out loud our miseries and joys, our strengths and weaknesses, our human flaws and indignities, our human beauties and hilarities... You are always fully you, and if that's selfish, then your kind of selfish is the goal we should all be making for ourselves!

I HATE that this is happening to you Renee. I really truly hate it. I've been mired in my own muck for the past couple of days, so was too 'selfish' myself, to blog visit. I am sorry for your suffering - I so wish that I could take it from you, along with all the others here. If only our wishes were enough.
I love you.
My word verification is "diving om". May the diving om bring peace to your body, driving away the bats from your home...
xox Karin

vintage moon studio said...

Sending prayers for gentle breaths... wish I could do more. xox Deb

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Renee,

I was sorry to read your post and to hear that you are feeling so unwell.
It breaks my heart, and really hope that you can get the medical attention and care that you need.
You have a beautiful family and how supportive, kind and wonderful they all are.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, dear friend and Jacquie and your family.


Anonymous said...

I've never encountered a human being as honest as real as you....your honesty is wrenching my gut...
Much love, Orly

Silke said...

Sometimes I seem to just miss a post and when I find it, I can't believe I didn't see it right away. Renee, you are a pillar of strength! I don't know how you do it, how you deal with this, and then how you write about it! I am in awe!! I wish for your suffering to be gone and for your health to return. I wish the same for Jacqui! I send all my prayers to the heavens for you and send you all my love, dear sister and friend! Love, Silke

Sophia said...

Renee, you are FAR from being selfish. Not even close! You are a trooper and an inspiration to us all. As I said on KJ's have been a blessing to me and a valuable friend that I am so glad to have met. You truly lift me up and help me through my darkest times of my own liver issues and dealing with my abusive past.

YOU are the hero!

YOU are the star shining bright above for all to see.

YOU are the one that we all love.

Love you so much! Hugs!

mermaid said...

Let the bats move as they must. Dissolve the borders of your body and let them out. Let us see and hear the darkness within. We can make space for it.

May you find some ease in your suffering, and may you be able to eat something that makes you feel good.

Jaliya said...

It's Saturday night ... I'm thinking of you, Renee, and loving you ... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kristin said...

I am so so sorry for your struggles. My prayers will be with you. You sound like an amazingly strong woman lady!

Sandy said...


Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Renee, it just breaks my heart to read this. I feel like I missed a post or something, but last I read 'they suspected cancer' so obviously it is but are they treating you? Are they shrinking this tumor so you can eat, swallow, etc?
GOd! I'm just mad about this whole situation.
You are the strongest, most generous woman I have ever known! SO not selfish!
You are constantly in my prayers sweet thing!
Love, Darla

Ruth said...

Dear Renee, such agony, it's just terrible. I am sorry that you had to face and feel it. Thank god you have your dear ones, and they have you.

much love

Sarah said...

Aw sweetie..I am so sorry!! I so wish I was closer..I would come and Reiki you in person. A good long session of hands on love!
You are not selfish..this I know and you should not burden yourself with this hon!! You should not..ok that was an order. I get to be the strong one for once...this is an order from your will not feel guilt here!!
I can handle most pain..I can..but nausea..ackkk..just don't do well with that one. Hang in there hon..I am sending gentle hugs and will be sending Reiki again later today. Love you Renee..I do, Sarah

The Dutchess said...

So far away and yet so close....I will send you al my creativity and blogging powers to make you feel better..You are strong..may the force be with you!

Rikkij said...

Renee- this makes me realize how helpless we humans are to the suffering of ones we love. I want to do something and have no idea what to do. I just hope and pray for rest for you right now. And somehow that seems so empty and nearly silly. Love ya ~rick

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

I wish for you, the softness of butterfly wings to gently close your eyes, the gentlest lavender breeze to flutter the curtains and breath for you, the warmest touch upon your cheek to heal your heart.

You are stronger and braver and wiser than anyone I know, and thoughtful beyond words.

rochambeau said...

I'm SO SO sad and sorry to read this Renee. I will searously amp up prayers for you!!!
Are you feeling better today?
Oh how I want you to feel better.
To be free.
Dear friend,
I Love you!

Julie said...

Hang in there, Renee! Goodness, can they do anything to help you with that? :( Hugs hugs hugs...

Anonymous said...

My dearest Renee, I hope from the bottom of my heart you will feel a lot better shortly so you can enjoy Christmas with your family.
You're not selfish, you are a wonderful caring and very thoughtful lady! Even coming here to share while you feel like S h one t!
If you ask your family to hold hands in a circle and ask for healing hands and wait for the tingling feeling in them. Then lay hands on your head and concentrate on God coming through them to you. You more focused on God the more He can come through.
It as worked once for me with a lady who was diabetic, she turned for the worse and God came through the top of my head and through my arms into this ladies head. When your hands tingle is the beginning.
I have not been able to do this again. I prayed for a boy called Ashley who had an infection in his heart and felt while praying an angel was standing with him waiting for him to go.
Keep praising this is the key to heavens doors! Does your family believe in God too? Don't think about the illness while praying/praising, think about God and opening up for him to use who ever is praying over you.

Love you Renee!


Brenda LaBell said...

Dearest Renee, know that this is not selfishness you feel, but the feeling of helplessness to not be able to make yourself feel better and because for the first time in your life you need some help from others. I too have lived this path with my mother sweetie and I know she felt the same way as you. But realize that there is no other place your friends or family would rather be than to be there for you. Selfish, I think not, you have touched 433 people just here on your blog, you give more than anyone I have ever met by internet or in person combined!! My thoughts are with you sweetie. I am wishing for better days for you and your family and days of feeling better for you. HUGS and SQEEZES from me too.


Barbara said...

Dear Renee, I left a post earlier that didn't show up. Gak! What I said was how sorry I am you're going through this and how you absolutely deserve some cuddling and love from those near you and if I were there, I would hold your hand and let you squeeze it as tight as you wanted. My thoughts are with you and hoping you get through this awful patch and feel better soon. Those bats need to go back to their cave. Tell them I said so. And if they don't listen, spit at them. Love and Christmas hugs to you, my dear Renee.

Sue said...


Started this and drew a blank - so much emotion I want to express and not sure how to. I'm heartbroken and so angry at what you are going through at the moment. At what you and Jacqui are dealing with and what your family has dealt and coped with over the past couple of years. What Sheldon dealt with.

So many questions. How could this happen to one person, one family? Is there a deep meaning to this? How can one family deal with all this - and how can one person, no matter how strong keep on coping.

Renee, your grit and 'guts' continue to astound and amaze me.

I feel battered emotionally after reading your post and I am asking myself how you would react if reading a friend's blog. I think you would pray (alot) and at the same time be yelling FUCK, FUCK, FUCK at the top of your lungs.

That is what I am doing.

Love you.

julie Haymaker thompson said...

My heart is with you . Darn those bats!!

Pattee said...

My dear sweet Renee~
I've written on my blog my love for you....
My heart aches for all that you are going through.

Russell and I went to a storytelling event tonight. A Native American woman played this unusual, creative music on the piano and then drum ~ I could only think of you.... only of you... I remember the pictures you sent me and I envisioned as I prayed for you.

You've touched so many people and that includes me.. I will always be there for you and your family as long as you need...

You are my angel...
Love ~ Patttee

Woman in a Window said...

It comes at me in an intensifying sting in my nose. Who could complain about that? I simply cry. I fucken cry for you dear Renee. I fucken cry.

love erin

turquoise cro said...

O! those bats!!! They must have flown away with my comment! I was here maybe December 19th but maybe I hit the wrong button!I hated to hear of your breathing and the pain YOU are in! It was probaly in the weeeeeeeee hours!!Thinking of YOU darling Renee, it's the first day of winter and we are part of history here in WV, the Blizzard of 2009 hit here Friday night and Saturday we got at least 16" of snow, beautiful snow! It did delay my daughter, Gina's travel plans to come home though!! She is on her way right now!(today which is Monday) Please say a little prayer for her safe trip! Thank YOU Renee!!! Love and prayers, Cinda((((((((Renee)))))))))hugging YOU kind of too tight but I can't help myself, YOU are in my thoughts and prayers!

ToM KiDDo said...

Are you sick Renee?
Maybe you should try Breathing Exercise...It can help you breath :)

Ces said...

Renee I pray that the bats will be replaced by love birds!

Dean Grey said...


You're clearly going through a lot right now but you're clearly handling it too!

With what you're dealing with, I think it's perfectly fine to be "selfish" right now.

Oh, and I love that face! Where is that image from?


TheBlakkDuchess said...

*HUGS* I know you have no idea who I am, but I read about you from one of Pattee's posts. You are in so many people's thoughts & prayers/wishes. You have touched so many. ^_^ You are now in my thoughts as well, especially on this longest night. You shine a wonderful light from within, touching & warming all those around you. I'm lighting a candle for you tonight and sending you all my love & well wishes. Keep being your wonderful self, and have happy Holidays!
~Annalee ^_^

one little acorn said...

Dear Renee. My heart aches for you. I know I haven't been leaving comments much, but you are in my thoughts. Sending you lots of love and wishes for good days.

Barbara said...

Renee: I am sending all my love and prayers to you. Bella sent me over. Bats be gone!

Cheryl Lynn said...

As I sit here weeping for you, as the Word of God instructs us paying, wailing women to do, I see the illustration of our mutual friend, Bella, in my mind's eye. I see her little one with the slingshot of David the Giant Killer, attempting to eradicate those pesky bats in your gut.

And I here the Isaiah 53:5 playing over in my head; "He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and by HIS stripes, we are healed!"

I pray for your comfort, your healing, and your deliverance from this unwelcome intruder that has entered the sanctity of your temple. The Blessings of God and the wholeness that only He can give, may they be yours from this day forward and even forever more!

Diana Evans said...

Hi Renee!!! my sweetest and my most wonderful friend...I am so sad to hear about your pain and suffering but feel closer to you as you still write and connect with us.....

You are in our thoughts each and every day and Cole send you big hugs and even made you a snow angel...since that is what we call you around here.....

You are so strong and that strength is an inspiration to all of are always wise and teach us and we love that about you....I do pray these bats move out and head somewhere else...somewhere in a dark forest where they can't bother anyone....

I do believe in miracles so I will never let you go out of my heart...never ever.....

Your family is amazing!!! they are so loving and wonderful and I am grateful you have them in your life....

and always know that you have so many of us...we will always be here for you.....
we love you!


Diana Evans said...

Renee...the link to your art print doesn't work...can you have someone fix it ...someone sent me a note telling me about it....