Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Dude


















Dude

I asked for one fucking thing, but you couldn’t deliver.

No breaks.

Results from gastroscopy shows suspicion of cancer in stomach and pressing on esophagus.

Oh yeah…….

Amen.

118 comments:

Deborah said...

Oh Renee, is this you? I have no words, only prayers shooting up to heaven like the fireworks in NYC on the 4th of July, not asking why, but DO SOMETHING. Please. Just fix this, Lord. Amen.

Annie said...

Fuck. That is all, FUCK. I love you and I am sending hundreds and thousands of prayers and hugs and kisses.
I love you dear one.
xoxo

Annie said...

Honey, it is the only word that fits this kind of situation. My cat boys are holding, I don't know how long they will live, but today they are doing okay. Thanks for asking.
Love and love and more love,
xoxo

Ces said...

Renee...oh my dearest Renee...

Shelly said...

A most fitting and beautiful picture ... I love you.

Tammie Lee said...

Oh Renee,
Now you have me bawling.
I am so sorry. Only love I send to you.

Angie Muresan said...

Oh no! Praying, cause that's all I know what to do, and thinking of you....

Bev said...

I am heart broken to hear this news about you Renee. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love Bev

Lilacrobin said...

Renee, we don't know each other, but I am a friend of Annie's. She has told me about you snd I have been reading your blog for a few weeks. You are a rare spirit gentle, yet so powerful. I want to add my prayers to those of your family and friends......one more person praying can add a lot and now, mine are with you.

Sending you strength and HOPE!

Robin Lamb

Jaliya said...

Dammit. Like Annie, I just have the one word as my first reaction to what this dude had to report. Renee, no matter what happens, you are a singular soul who has touched so many others. Death will take us all ... and how we choose to live is the force that reaches people like me who have never "met" you ... and yet, your presence in me and countless others is there for life. I love you xoxoxoxoxoxxo

Allegra Smith said...

Suspicions, suspicions. If love can get rid of anything suspicious it will be whatever affects you. You know I was raised Catholic and with a certain forms of beliefs. Then in my youth I read the following:

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

~Epicurus

So I can offer you love, empathy, anything within me and at my disposal, but I don't offer prayers. I don't know to whom I am supposed to pray.

Breaks? just look at us. I am writing this from OHSU this morning, and what I see here particularly when it comes to children makes me wonder what forces are at play. We shall fight this my darling, we shall. When caught on time all things can be stopped. Just keep up your hopes and your determination in spite of any "suspicions". I love you and you are an important part of my life. We will see the other side of this, and damn the suspicions.

Catherine said...

Oh Renee, thinking of you today and always. Love and comforting hugs.

Chrisy said...

oh my darlin...no no no no...

ben said...

fuck prayers...they dont work!!!!

Renee said...

But you work Ben and your Mom and me have you. You we love.

Love Auntie Renee xoxox

translucentblue said...

Hello Renee, thank you so much for leaving those kind words about my work. My heart goes to you for having to go through something that all of us must fear terribly. However, I salute you for your incredible braveness that seems to have touched so many hearts, including myself. So please have faith, my prayers to you and to those who are fighting with you...xx

Chrisy said...

I'm finding it hard to leave my computer dearest...even if I can't be in touch electronically for a little while tho...darling you know I'm there with you..right there...

vintage moon studio said...

This just plain sucks. Pure and simple. Sending strength and comfort..always in my prayers. Deb

Debra She Who Seeks said...

May "suspicion" prove to be only that and not the truth, I hope.

Kelly Kilmer said...

Fucking cancer robs us blind.

WE LOVE YOU. Xo

Nevine said...

Renee, I don't know what to say. So I send you love and hugs and kisses. I wish you well.

Nevine

Jenny S said...

CRAP!!! I am in tears!! We also just found out they have to take my mom off of the herceptin she has been on for forever cause her heart is being affected. They are going to start her on a different chemo, but we don't know how she will be affected by it!! I HATE CANCER!!!!

Moniqui said...

I m so sorry..wishing you love and strenght..

Finding Felix said...

Dear Renee. One thing is never too much to ask. I would have given you a thousand and all you wanted was one. Sending lots of love to you. xxx

PurestGreen said...

I want to pour honey on it, like a moving bandaid of sweet that will fill all the gaps and make the places where we are broken glow again. In other words, I don't know what to say. Love and hugs.

in the light of the moon said...

Sending you tons and tons of well wishes....Warmest Regards,Cat

Michelle said...

Oh Renee, I want to just write a huge FUCK here but that's not going to do it.
I love you wont either, but I do
xxxx

Julie said...

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

staceyjwarner said...

I wish I was there to hold you and help you breathe, to shine light through your amazing and beautiful body.

I'm surrounding you in light and love...

much love

Angela Recada said...

Oh Renee. . . This sucks. I have no words, only so much love and hope for you, dear friend. FUCK cancer.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Manon Doyle said...

Renee,
I was thinking about you.... actually I've been thinking about you everyday. I can't believe it!! I hate this!! I want to yell and cry with you.

I'm sending you all my healing thoughts and asking my friends to do the same!!
"Dude..... heal my friend"

love you,
manon
xo

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Renee - I wish I could crawl through the screen and just hold you.

I am speechless - I love you too and am so f-ing tired of f-ing cancer.

I'm sure your beautiful family is gathered around - and you are indomitably mapping out your plan of action to conquer this monster.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Me again. Just reread your post as I gazed at the image and saw that you said 'suspicion' of cancer. I'm holding to the hope that their suspicions are wrong. WRONG. WRONG.

The book 'Boundless Healing' suggests we breath warmth and bliss into every healthy cell around any that may be cancerous.

May warmth and bliss heal every cell in your tired body.

clairedulalune said...

Renee, my friend. Holding your hand all the way in thought if not in person. xxx

lakeviewer said...

What? When is this storm going to pass? You need an end to all this burden.

Love and kisses your way.

@eloh said...

Speechless.

I rolled around with the whys for awhile... just have to have faith that there is one...or two.

Peace

Doris Sturm said...

Oh, NO! I'm so sorry! What horrible Christmas news! That really sucks! (My stomach is in knots)

Love,
Doris

Debra said...

What? Renee who? Oh god please say it isn't you. Jacquie? Renee whats going on?

studio lolo said...

Raven Sister,

You have kicked bigger asses.
Just imagine what the two of us can do!
Don't mess with these Canadian girls.

Enough is enough.

shitfuckpiss!

(I know you laughed.)

I love you and I'm here.

xoxo
Lolo

zoe said...

renee! suspicion means nothing! the light inside you is so bright, the xrays didn't know what to do with it, that's all. trust me, sweetie! big hugs and powerful prayers coming your way.

Deborah said...

Lord Jesus, even You, while nailed to the cross, asked "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

We, those who love your faithful servant, Renee, gather together to pray to change your will. We lift up our hearts in unsteady hands, shaking with weakness, flawed by humanness, stained by sin, ever failing yet ever striving to be more like Renee, who has been reduced to Love. We selfishly ask for more time with Renee here on earth.

Father, if you are willing, take this cup from Renee.

In the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit,
Amen

ALeks said...

LOVE YOU! Aleksandra

Sarah said...

Oh Renee. You say suspicion. That could turn out to be wrong? Praying is not for me anyway but I will be thinking of you(even more) which is my version. I love you. xx

Ellie Grace said...

I am praying for you, Renee.

Always,
Ellie Grace

Anonymous said...

Renee Love,
I haven't tuned in for a week. I am blown away. All I got to say is NOT YET. We have more roads to travel, more wonders to discover. Hang on my sweetheart.

Loving you always.
DPG

Lila Rose said...

Oh Renee, love and hope to you.
Lila xx

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Oh Renee, I hate that this is happening to you, and I hate that it makes God look uncaring and that prayers don't work, because even though it looks that way, it really isn't true. I don't know why things are playing out this way in your life and Jackie's, and even though I don't personally know you, my heart is really aching, and I'm frustrated that I don't have a fix.
Like Annie, I too am sending hundreds and thousands of prayers and hugs and kisses. (((((((((xxxxxxxxx)))))))))

Bogey said...

Prayer does not change God, but it changes those who pray. ~Søren Kierkegaard

Michelle, (The Truth As I Know It) sent out a prayer call on your behalf. Therefore, I would like to kneel along side of you. Perhaps together, He will hear us all...I pray...

Lisa Lectura Creations said...

My heart goes out to you Renee! I pray this goes away. You chose the perfect image to share. Sending you a big hug.

Angela Recada said...

Do you know how much we all love you, dear one? More than words can ever say.

Thank you for your amazing words on my blog this morning. You are the most generous, wise and inspirational person I have ever met. Your posts from today didn't show up for me until this afternoon, or I would have been here sooner.

Like our dear Annie said:
Love and love and more love,
xoxoxo
Angela

glorv1 said...

Oh Renee. What can I say. My thoughts and prayers have always been with you. I will pray and ask God why he is doing this to you. Why? I'm sorry, we are all here for you. Thinking of you.

madtexter (corey james) said...

Out. Damn. Spot! The lady deserves better! Dude, we demand a re-count!

zoe said...

renee, is there a photo of you somewhere, for prayers and intentions?
thanks
big hugs,
zoe

Anonymous me said...

Oh Renee, no let up then? I am so so sorry that the news isn't good. My friend if prayers have any effect then be assured that you are always in mine. Always. I love you. xx Jos

nollyposh said...

Tae's Song: "Walk on Walk Strong" Copyright T.Kami Feb 2008...

Come over so i can hold your hand x

Fabulous Finds Gal said...

My prayers are with you. Sending you positive thoughts through blogland. And, hoping this all turns around for you.

xo,
Christina
Fabulous Finds Gal

Sue said...

no



.....sending hope and prayers that this 'suspicion' is wrong and that
Dude doesn't bail now.

Love you lady

xxoo

Vicki Holdwick said...

Renee,

Each time I visit your blog I try to leave some positive energy for you and your family.

I am so sorry to hear your latest news,

xoxo

Jackie said...

Hi Renee,
I stopped by earlier and read your words and then I took a break to absorb it.It touched me deeply. I understand the rollercoaster ride and I wish I had the right words or a special thing to say but I don't :( What I do know Renee is that you have a special presence. I related to you from the moment I first found your blog and you have written these words on my heart "Renee was here"
Hugs,
Jackie

Marion said...

Jesus fucking Christ, Renee. Is that YOU????? PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!

Jasmine said...

Renee, all I can say is:

Positivity, positivity, positivity.

Call it a mantra, affirmation, a prayer, whatever suits you best but please don't give up hope. Fight this good battle. I've only known you a short time but I read you as an optimistic encouraging character. With everything you've been through it must seem damned hard but know that you are well loved and if we can lend you our hope and well wishes, we WILL!

I've worked with terminally ill clients who have been told that they have reached the end of the road. Some of them are sill here to prove everyone wrong.

lynne h said...

no words... all i can think of is

i love you, renee...

Anonymous said...

Lots of love, prayers and positive energy coming your way Renee.
Love you,
Yvette

Susan said...

Stay strong Renee. We are thinking of you and your family.

Mim said...

I've been thinking of you all day and now I read this, but I also read "suspicion" and take hope from that. I hope it is just a baseball that you swallowed and forgot about.

much much love, Mim

wykdwytch said...

Hi Renee, I found you via Anchell Blue,
I do not know you but accept heartfelt wishes from this stranger - we all want to think that we can choose our own time to move on and not be shoved down that path reluctantly. I have no concept of what your situation must feel like. I am 51 and I feel like I have just started. Keep doing something, like the others have said, you sound like faith plays an important role in your life - now is not the time to lose it. My blessings - Renata.

Daria said...

Oh Renee, I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you. I hate cancer and all that it does.

Debbie said...

I'm praying the doctor is wrong! Hold onto hope. hugs.

Barbara said...

Dear Renee,

I second the four letter words used here, but I vote for Debra's take. That it's a suspicion. Nothing more now. They don't know jack. And stranger things have happened to people I know. My prayers go out to you and hugs. I'm so sorry you had to get this new this week. Or any week. Sending white light to you.
xoxo B

Maggie's garden said...

No...so sorry to hear this Rene. I wish it wasn't so.
Hugs and love to you kiddo

yoborobo said...

Renee - I tried to post earlier, but the stupid computer wouldn't let me. I have no words - I just want you to know I love you, and I will pray and pray for you. xoxo Pam

kj said...

my beloved sister: i have no words. just love. all the love there ever can be.

we live strong. and we'll link arms.. you will be okay. you will. that is a promise.

love
kj

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Renee, my prayer is their suspicion is WRONG. Dear God, please let them be wrong!
Love you
Darla

~Babs said...

I'm siding with Debra She Who Seeks.
And I have seen prayer work. I promise, and we're not giving up!

secret agent woman said...

Holy fuck. I am with everyone lese here, holding you in my heart.

Poetic Artist said...

Renee,
My heart is so heavy for you, but prayers will never stop.
Lord please touch this wonderful woman and give her peace.
Amen,
Luv,
Katelen

Linda said...

Renee,

The picture you chose for this post is so beaufifully poignant. Cancer is such a brutal bastard.

You have a blog full of '2:00 in the morning' friends who will always be here whenever you want to rant, laugh, rage, talk or fantasize. We are right here, always.

There are no words, except the three that matter.....I love you.


xoxo right back at you

Dede said...

Oh Renee...You are in my thoughts and prayers,everyday.

(((HUGS)))

jacquie said...

don't give up renee

together strong for sheldon....


jacquie

angelique said...

My spirit is crushed. We need to stay strong. I hoping to find my strength.

Inner Toddler said...

your cancer can kiss my ass renee. seriously.

I'm not the suspicious type so this news can kiss my ass too.

love in your direction,
susie

Ribbon said...

Please dear lord energy of the universe help Renee with all that she needs.

I love you
I am so very sorry to read this news. I am sad for me and you and all who love and adore Renee

take care xoxoxo

Kathleen said...

Damn. How can I help?

Ribbon said...

Renee thank you so very much for keeping us informed.
One always likes to know how their loved ones are :) x Ribbon

Diana Evans said...

oh no Renee!!! my heart just sank...I am praying they are wrong and send you thoughts and prayers...I am here for you....

Hugs
Diana

Elizabeth said...

Here now.

Love.

Zom said...

You tell Him Renee.

Caroline said...

oh, what a terrible blow. My thoughts are with you Renee. x

Angie Muresan said...

Popped in again. Can't sleep, my thoughts keep meandering your way. Hope you know that you are loved and that you touch so many, just by being you.

Marie said...

:-(
Sad, very sad.
Sending love, hugs and prayers.

Allegra Smith said...

Are you getting my comments? I don't want you sad or worried. Things are going to be fine, I just know it in spite of what anyone else may think.
I know it, and with that knowledge I am sending every bit of my Healing Light to you. I love you in this life and in any other, and I will do anything within in my power to take this burden away from you. No prayers, just requests to the powers that be, maybe a little bargaining, who knows? I may even offer my secret recipe to help birds fly. And so shall we.

Micki said...

Shit Renee!! that is not what you need (or deserve) You know i'm crap with words and you know i'm not a believer in god, my thoughts are with you though sweetie.

Micki x

The Gypsy said...

Oh Renee, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I do hope is it just a suspicion. I do hope you will be OK, we all need you to be OK.

Hugs
x

Jeannette said...

Oh no...this is not fair!
You are in my thoughts and I hope, really hope so hard that it stays with the suspicion.
A big hug, Jeannette

Wendy said...

Sending positive healing energy with a pinch of courage, a dollop of strength and a heaped tablespoon of love.

LDWatkins said...

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, so sorry. Physically, I know I can't help, but mentally know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Love you Renee.

Sandy said...

No fair, no fair, no fair!

Meghann LittleStudio said...

Oh Shit. I'm praying for you like a madwoman Renee. hold on, we are all here for you.
Hugs and prayers my dear friend.
Meg

Inky said...

I came over from Marions blog to let you know I am going to pray for you. I am sending flocks of hope your way with the Lord's blessings, My he free you once more and ease this burden, Blessings

Isabel said...

Renee my dear, if there is one thing that damn cancer will NEVER is your SPIRIT. THAT I am sure of.

You are all COURAGE and HEART.
Hang in there my friend

xoxoxo

Isabel

zoe said...

“‘To whom shall I pray?” he asked. ‘Who says there’s someone out there? Who says the universe isn’t just one big hurdy-gurdy?’
‘Maybe it’s not necessary to pray to anyone. The early desert mothers said that God is without form, color, or content. Perhaps prayer isn’t a matter of praying to anyone. Perhaps it’s an active way of giving up. Maybe that’s precisely what you need: to give up, without going under.’
She opened the door.
‘The words could be anything whatsoever,’ she said, ‘as long as they speak to the heart. For example, they could be from Bach’s cantatas.’”
[from Peter Hoeg's The Quiet Girl]

Renee said...

Angelique:

You don't need to find your strength, it is there with you. You my very darling girl have never lost it and you never will.

This is only a bump in the road dear heart.

Love Mom xoxoxo

yoborobo said...

Love you, Renee. There is not a stronger person on the planet than you are. xoxoxox Pam

Sarah said...

Oh hon....oh Renee..I'm so sorry hon..so deeply sorry..sending gentle hugs to you darling!! I will add my Fuck to the group..FUCKKKKK!!! Will be sending Reiki your way hon..and lot of love...that it proves to be nothing hon!! Love you so much..huge gentle hugs..need kleenex..Love you hon, I do, Sarah

Debra Kay said...

((((((hugs)))))))

Anonymous said...

Renee, I don't know what to say. It's all too much for you and your family. I pray and pray for you and hold you close to my heart.
Barb

Karin Bartimole said...

you know my thoughts, prayers, hopes and heart are with you. now and always, forever love,
Karin

Noreen said...

I am so soory

Woman in a Window said...

because i don't know how else to say it
and because i don't know you
but yet you are carried with me every day...
forgive me for posting it.
it's at my place.
and it's not grand
but it's all i've got.
xo
erin

Sophia said...

(((((((((((((((((((Renee)))))))))))))))) My heart aches for you. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. You do not deserve this. What can I do!?

HUGS!

Steph said...

You have touched so many lives, Im so grateful for all your honesty and words of wisdom that you so kindly share with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers, its so frustrating when bad things happen to such good people, you know this better than any of us, you have experienced your share of loss, and even though I have never met you, I feel like I know you so well and wish more than anything I could just make it go away for you.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Love,
Steph

karen gerstenberger said...

Sending love and echoing your family motto: "Together strong."
You are so deeply and widely loved; I hope you can feel it, and rest in it. God bless you and keep you, dear Renee.

Cory said...

Renee...I am reading "Through Time Into Healing" by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. and you have been on my mind.

This doctor is in Florida, and the book is worth reading...can't hurt.

Blessings and healing light.
Cory in Arizona

nollyposh said...

<3 When you have a moment dear Renee, i have a song for you <3

Marion said...

I love you and am praying for a miracle. My comments aren't going through. I've sent 2 or 3 and they just disappear. Please know you're in my heart and soul. God bless you and your family...

fairbluemoon said...

Dearest Renee,
I may not always comment on many of your posts but that is because they leave me with so many thoughts of love, empathy, fear and even anger; that I cannot possibly write words to you that would at all convey my thoughts or emotions. But know one thing, I am always thinking of you.
You have touched me and so many other lives with your love, kindness and strength. And all the while this love you have given is returned, two fold, by family, friends and many of us whom you have never even met. We cannot and will not let go of you without a battle of pure will. You are far too precious.
Hang on Renee and whatever you do, for God’s sake, don’t fucking let go!

Love,

Susan
xoxo

Sonia ;) said...

What the fuck? How did I miss this post dear friend...Here I am in my own self pity shit and this is going on....Im mortified that I missed this post and was not there. Slap me stupid and kick me to Mars. I am saddened deeply...and will never know how u feel inside. Dude needs a total kick in the ass....fuck fuck fuck...ya I am cussing all to hell today...Im mad, angry, pissed, and really sad. But for you I will be strong and Im here always...I love you Renee. You will never know how much u have changed, helped and made me feel like a true friend.

xoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxo Love you Lovey

Marie S said...

I have been inside pulling that crap out!