Thursday, 18 December 2008

In The Snow Are You Listening

If December is one thing to me, it is my oldest child's (Angelique) birthday. Christmas is a close second.

To be honest though (and you know I am to a fault) I haven’t especially enjoyed Christmas for a while, so to me it is funny that I am looking forward to it this year.

Flashbacks From The Month Of December

December 30, 2001

*I saw a blue jay in our tree the other day, surprising and pretty.

*We are going to celebrate Angelique’s birthday (December 31st) today because she is going out tomorrow and said it is too rushed to have to do both at the same time.

*Very nice Christmas, the kids were all happy with their gifts.

*In the new year I want to follow the old adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice….’ I also want to commit to tell no lies. The thing is I never really lie; it is more of ‘someone wants to come over to visit and I say I’m not going to be home.’ At 45-years old I should be able to say no without having to make up an excuse. I like my solitude. The key is to say no without being rude.

*I never express my dissatisfaction and I wonder why? Could it be that I never spend the time to figure it out. Instead I seem to find it easier to either get busy or get very frustrated. On the other hand I do believe that the more you self-analyze yourself the more neurotic you become.

*I want to stand for honesty and fresh ideas. To me truth means: trust, safety, unblemished, Wahid, Nadalene, Angelique, lack of fear, unquestioned, faith, doing God’s work, a form of understanding other people’s truth and perceptions. I also think that when there is no fear of getting in trouble for your actions then people tell the truth. When a child feels they may get a spanking or be in trouble they may avoid the consequences by telling a lie. Truth is a mature response.

December 31, 2001

*Happy Birthday Angelique – you are 26 years-old today, and I can’t believe how the time flew. My feelings for you can be best described in a quote that I read once ‘Your first child is a parent’s best intentions.’

*We missed Nadalene because she was in Pine Falls with Charlton, but when we came home for cake she was here, so that was very good.

*And now let us welcome the new year full of things that have never been. ~~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~~

*I believe that I live my truth and that I keep my word. Principles that I would never (never say never) compromise no matter what are loyalty and faithfulness.

*I am very tolerant of other people’s beliefs and cultures, as long as what they are doing is cultural/belief and not a crime. Example – female circumcision is a crime against a girl and is not a cultural thing no matter what people want you to believe. Saying it is cultural is a cop out (excuse). Saying Jesus is not the son of God is a belief held by millions of people around the world. I can respect their belief even though I disagree with it.

*I think I can speak my truth with grace and when someone disagrees with me I can accept that. I am a strong believer that ‘We can agree to disagree.’ I do give other people the room to speak their truth to me. In fact I am interested in what other people have to say.

December 9, 2002

*We had Wahid’s 50th surprise party at Angelique’s house. Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan did a great job, the house was completely decorated tropical and we even had tall palm trees.

*Nadalene’s birthday was also excellent. First time Nadalene made her own birthday cake. Nadalene was 25. Apparently only once in your life will you be half your parents age. So Wahid is 50 and Nadalene is 25.

*I’m somewhat motivated to help others, but not enough to really put time into it.

December 19, 2006

*Sitting in a bed in St. Boniface Hospital having a blood transfusion (Bag 1 of 2). Lori the nurse just came in with the results from my CT scan (which I was afraid of) and said that they were great and that nothing had changed, so it looks like I can probably stay on Tamoxifen which is great news. Lungs are clean. I should be ecstatic!

*Angelique is pregnant!! She goes for her ultrasound on December 22nd. Angelique and I went and heard the baby’s heartbeat and it was awesome. The whole family is so very excited.

*Thank you God for all the wonderful things I know you have blessed me with.

*Nadalene is the name of my personal angel. What a wonderful caring girl she is. She is at home and is able to help me so much. As much as I love Nadalene being at home, I want her and Charlton to be able to move into their house so that she is not around the house and all the stress that the house can carry. I would rather cry by myself at home than make Nadalene feel so stressed.

*Wahid is of no help and no support. If I waited for support from him, I’d wait forever. I know I am just as guilty. Maybe it is just time to admit that there is no relationship left, both of our faults because we talk nothing over. Very immature style. We both pout and say nothing. I made this life and even though my life will be shortened by cancer I am still not willing to try to re-invent the wheel in this relationship.

*I am so pathetic sometimes. I can’t even be happy. I am such a loser! I need to work on making myself a better person. Be authentic! I said if the CT scan came back clean and I could stay on Tamoxifen I would be through the moon. I am! I need to be more thankful.

*Angelique and the baby are great. Focus on the positive.

*Depression is not a hole I want to go down.

*And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? At this point in my life I will say that I definitely did not get what I wanted in this life. I would have made changes; I would be a better mother.

*I lie to myself on a regular basis.

*So besides my children whom I love, I did not get what I wanted from this life. I still have life ahead of me though, so I have more opportunity to get what I want from this life.

*In the end, I am the only one accountable. I need to get a reign on being bitter and angry. At this age I wish I was not having cancer. I wish I was more honest and that I was living a better life.

*I now see how important it is to volunteer, donate blood, give to others, and not just wrap yourself in your own family. How does Nadalene at 29 know this already and me at 50 had to have cancer to see it? Stop being a victim!

*I need radical acceptance. Radical acceptance – a willingness to recognize and tolerate what is, rather than fight it or judge it. It is a way to free yourself from wanting something to be or not to be; this is a way to free yourself to live. Radical acceptance comes from the depths of your being.

*I fucking hate my life. I am an unhappy person who wishes Christmas were already over.

December 21, 2006

*Somewhat better….I am the type of person who generalizes that if ‘I do well in math, so I’ll do well at anything.’

*Colette is coming in today and has been excited to do so, according to Jacquie. I’m really glad she will be here in one way. On the other hand, I am so toxic and such a depressing person I don’t want my miserable ness to wear off on her. I know she cares for me so much that she will pick up my vibes and I will only depress her too.

*I feel I have contributed to making Jacquie feel bitter and angry too, and I don’t want to do the same to Colette.

*On the other hand I want to keep it real, not just keep it strong.

*I feel like I wish no one would talk to me and I could just live in my own bubble until this terrible mood/state passes away. I want to sit by myself in the dark.

December 28, 2006

*A new year is coming around the corner. I need to lighten up and learn to live before I die. I need to be conscious. What to do! What to do! God bless us everyone.

*Another new journal from Angelique. Christmas was nice. Expectations were high and energy was low.

*I feel spiritually that I have gone downhill since I was a young girl.

December 1, 2007

*In my mind I am singing ‘It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday’ it is in fact a Saturday and it is 9:32 Toronto time. I say Toronto time because Angelique, Nadalene and I came to Toronto because this is what Nadalene wanted to do for her 30th birthday. So far it has been a terrific time for me. It is Nadalene’s champagne birthday as she was 30 on November 30th.

*I love my girls very much. I bought Josephine the cutest doll for Christmas and a little yoga suit saying soul baby.

Flash Forward

Boy oh boy, after writing that I see how important it is for people to keep turning the pages. Hate one day and love the next.

I have known that for a long time when hate or dissatisfaction is directed out from me to others they are usually just scapegoats. The real target is myself.

I also really see why I was told that when my blood is as low as it has been and needing transfusion after transfusion that I am not supposed to sign any documents are contracts as my cognitive ability is not in tact.

Well I am happy today and I am looking forward to Christmas today and I am excited to be putting up the tree with my family on Saturday. I think I will just run with it.


Anonymous said...

The thoughts and feelings I do this also. I want to stay in and have no visitors. I over analys every situation.
My mum gave me a book to read. Somewhere in the cupboard. I havn't read it, my mum has. She as told me so much of the contents I feel like I have read it. Dr Dryer Good Intentions. In the book it tells you how to think to heal you. If you can get hold of one. Will try and find it on the net and place it on my blog.
I am not so sure everyone on earth are so complex that they think of everything they do. I am sure this is what Jesus was on about when He says something like accepting like a child. It is difficult taking everything what is wrong with the world in general and around us. We need healing within. You have inspired me, you are so open and honest with your thoughts. It is difficult to work out why we are the way we are. By can get in a muddle. All my love to you Renee!
So very pleased your scan is steady results. We need for your improvement and the cancer reducing now. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Good saying about the road to hell is paved with good intentions,lol!
I recieved a bird magnet that I cannot remember ordering. Not sure. I think I am going crazy sometimes.
Did you order it? Or is it something else?
The bird magnet does look really beautiful. Like it so much. A massive thank you either way. By I am a true loaf of bread! If it is something else, then I have a suprize yet to come. You'll have to put me out of my misery,lol!

Shelly said...

I'm so proud of you - you are very strong to have met all your challenges face on, with your eyes wide open. The hate means nothing and the love means everything.
My sister, my heart have a wonderful, magical Christmas.

La Donna Welter said... with it!
La Donna

Anonymous said...

Oh, I must of ordered the magnet then, this makes me worry a little? Yes it's official, I am mad,lol!
The post here is terrible. I live in a large village. The dentist posted me a letter in the village and it took 10 days to reach my home which is about half a mile away. I better check the post office also. They may have come to post it and not left a letter for me to collect.
Will let you know.
Sorry it hasn't arrived yet. I feel awful now.
Check at the post office tomorrow.

glorv1 said...

We all have our ups and downs as we travel the path of life. So Renee, we are all with you and wish you nothing but the best. Enjoy Christmas and Nadalene's birthday and praise the lord. Take care. ::hugs::

YayaOrchid said...

In the snow (not)and yes I'm listening. Very much and attentively so. Everything up to the flash forward is important, but today is a fresh new day. And tomorrow, Lord willing, an easel ready for painting awaits you! Start on it by dabbing a bit of faith, a bit of trust, a bit of I KNOW HE LIVES!, and goodness why not...a bit of Scripture! You've tried the rest, now try the best!
(says Idalia, wondering if it's even her place to opine or comment with catchy phrases and cliches)
Excuse my boldness Renee. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must feel when fear or doubt sets in. Well, yes I can, because I get attacked by that as well. But I mean the other fear, the one which whispers in your ear about death. And here I am offering my input. But you know what? I believe and have no doubt that the Lord will see you through this and on to complete victory over this dark cloud. Can you see what I see? Can you hear what I hear?

Anonymous said...

"I want to keep it real, not just keep it strong"; great advice you gave to Kathy. I remember it so well. I was with her at the time. This I feel is one of your best(and there are many) all time quotes.
Forever thankful, Barb

Liz said...

The courage to speak your mind in private writing is one thing, the courage to share that with the world is another.
Mrs. Khan, you are a constant example of boldness and honesty. You are not afraid to reveal your thoughts and feelings, light and dark. Your truth is your art.


Renee said...

Liz: xoxoxoxo

You always make me feel good.

Did you notice that one of my best quotes is actually yours. I love it.

Love you. Mrs. Khan