Tuesday, 9 December 2008

My Bone Is Chipped

Forget about monkeys I think I have evolved from a dog. Not a loyal dog, because I am too selfish for that. But a dog that sometimes gnaws at its own leg.

Actually maybe I have evolved more from the original monkey-dog, I am sure there was one, as I am living proof of its genetic line. I have the skeleton of a monkey, make as much noise as one, and I tend to want to pick at anything left in your hair.

But I have the temperament of a dog that grovels for a bone when I see my oncologist. I whine, I tap my paws, I lick the roof of my mouth (that is as dry as a bone since chemo), I whimper when I don’t whine, and I shy away from that blow that I believe may be coming in my direction. Unlike people, I have a master; I am not my own master.

The volunteer and I are talking and she tells me how she has had cancer twice and is in fear of it coming back. ‘No shit’ I say. I hear my name called.

I get weighed (217) and am told I can wait in Room 2. The nurse asks how I am feeling and I tell her. I tell her too that I think I may have diabetes because I am always thirsty, overweight, and have foamy pee. She tells me to repeat it all to my oncologist and family doctor. I am told to put on the robe and then I wait and wait and wait.

I see my oncologist (whom I love) walk by and she doesn’t look in the room. Oh oh, does that mean something? Was she just walking by the room and didn’t see me, totally possible. It isn’t always about me, contrary to what I think, maybe she just saw someone else and is trying to keep her thoughts about them in her head before she writes it down and didn’t have time to say ‘hey’. She is not the type to say ‘hey’ and is probably, more than likely, just innocently walking down the hall like everybody else at the hospital. Notice that I don’t need to be screwed as I screw myself.

I notice my back paw is tapping the floor. I control it. My front paw on the right-hand side is starting to twitch, it is now tapping too. ‘Calm down already.’ My back paw continues to tap.

A fringe of hair is covering my eyes and I see through them that the door across the hall has the number 7 on it. Okay, I am in room number 2. I should be in number 7 because that is a lucky number. 7 + 2 = 9. 7 – 2 = 5. 9 + 5 = 13 unlucky number (I know now that it equals 14). Oh shit this is not turning out good. Gggrrrrr, woof woof. I need to re-jive those numbers. 7 + 2 = 72. 2 + 7 = 27. 72 +27 = 99. Okay, that is better; I think I have a good chance that the news will be 99% okay.

I only have a drop or two of water left in my bowl and I need to place it on my temples and forehead as I feel like I am going to faint. It is suddenly hot under my fur. My paws are scrapping along the floor and my tail is bent because I always sit in a crouched position.

Room number 2 is starting to feel like a small cage. A cage that is much too small for a 217 pound monkey-dog. I start to gulp because something is wrong with my breathing. For fuck’s sake, I should be in room 7! Calm down, people have been given bad news in each of these rooms. Never mind calm down, this is my life I’m worrying about. It doesn’t matter what room I am in. Okay, get your shit together, you need a clear head.

The doctor comes in just in the knick of time. Thank God, I haven’t lost it yet.

Hello, how are you feeling? Woof, woof. How are the family and that lovely granddaughter of yours? Woof, she is 1 ½ years old now, woof.

Unfortunately they were not able to get the dye in for your CT scan; however, I think the test is fine as it shows no change. There is no need for a retest because there is nothing suspicious there. The bone scan also showed no change. So the results are good, everything is stable.

I lick her face.

I find that I can string a sentence together again and we discuss the new little book by J.K. Rawlings.

I go get my pamidronite treatment which is given in chemo format (it is used to place calcium back in the bones as I have bone metastases). I am quite excited and want copies of my blood tests.

I look at my blood test results and I then start to make myself feel sick and anxious. I begin to play the what-if game. Because even though the results are stable and that is what I want, the blood test numbers are going down on the platelets (I want up) and the tumor markers are going up (I want down). Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, more than happy. I remind myself of what my Dad told me ‘When the what-ifs come knocking tell them to fuck off.’

I need to run with the good. I need to remind myself that I got the bone I came for even if it is a little chipped. I am thankful.

I phone Angelique and I tell her the results, we are able to exhale now. I start crying.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and your supportive comments to me. I want you all to know how much they mean to me. Merci.


Noreen said...

Great news! I am so happy for you. Looking forward to seeing you this afternoon (after my treatment of course).

Love Noreen

Anna Lefler said...

Congratulations on your happy test results, Renee! Your post was so riveting - I could not stop reading it...and I'm so glad it had a positive ending.

Your blog is just lovely...I'm really looking forward to reading more of your posts...

Thanks for visiting mine yesterday...

Take care and Happy Holidays!

:^) Anna

Camille said...

Oh Renee THANK YOU GOD, My Angels & all the people who prayed for this. I too was holding my breath. What a truly happy Xmas this will be, with this news & Sweet little Josephine. This will be a magical Christmas with her at this age.
As I guess I'm related to you! LOVE YOU

ben said...

im thrilled to hear the news i knew we would get!!!! the bruneau family loves you and will continue to pray for you!!

Mickey said...

Great News. I am so happy to hear this news your post is amazing and you are amazing. I love you and yes THANK YOU GOD AND ALL THE ANGELS here and afar who pray for our sweet sister daily.

Shelly said...

You are fantastic, and these results are fantastic ... being part of the same breed you and Camille came from, I am so excited I could hump someone's leg!


Meg said...

I'm so glad for you. I love the "what if" saying, I am going to start using that.

Julie said...

Good, good, stable is good!!! Hooray! Shoot the "what if" bird between the eyes.

Anonymous said...

Very wonderfullllllllllll to read Renee, so so happy news!!! I have been praying and thinking of you, it is so great to read this post from you this morning. I am off to do the Happy Dance now.

Love Sally

YayaOrchid said...

Praise the Lord!

Continue in prayer and just BELIEVE!!

jacquie said...

i am weeping with relief.......as you know it does not take much for a tear to drop.
i am still exhailing hours later.
together is strong.

see you soon.....love
leader of the pack

glorv1 said...

Renee, your post was outstanding. If you are not writing a book, you should be. I am so happy for the test results. You are such a vibrant person and my prayers are always with you. Now that was a happy ending. Take care and see you on your next post.

Anonymous said...

Pudding (cocker spaniel?)

We are blessed and truly greatly for every moment - whether we are flying to toronto, shopping at winners or lazing around in our pj's. I love you.

ps - we need to nail down what type of dog you are

Nadia (half cocoker spaniel - cocopoo?)

glorv1 said...

Renee, I forgot to say at the end, Now give the dog a bone! :)) Happiness is Renee! Yay!!

I am... said...

I love it. Have a great Christmas you and your family! The prays and wishes for you will never stop!

CarolineH said...

True tears of relief here, Renee. So glad to hear you're stable. I agree with your dad. tell those what if's to f-off. You've made my day. I just walked in from work, and your page is the first thing on my agenda after I get home. :) Now I can go make dinner.
Love you, and am floating!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and life with me. I miss you and I love you!

flossy-p said...

pheeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Congratulations! I'm thrilled for you :D

Now you listen to your Dad's words. Chin in and dukes up, so when the what-if's do hassle you like that again you can tell them to F-off with a swift punch in the face too.

Either that, or next time I'll be hiding in the wings with a boom-box (80's style for comic effect) ready to hit the play button when your mind starts to race with all that room number malarky... Stevie Wonder will come blasting out of nowhere; "When you believe in things that you don't understand then you'll sufferr-err-er.. Superstition ain't the wa-aa-ayy. Ooo oo oo ooooo"

Then the only thing that will be infectious will be the groove... baby! hehehehe.

Renee said...

Flossy-P, I love it and I will be counting on it.


Love Renee

Anonymous said...

Think I said this before, but I say it again..write this book!NO it's already written. Get an editor!

Oh and good dog, you sat, your stayed, you got your bone. And you didnt pee on the furniture.

Anonymous said...

Dear Renee,
Praise God. I am so thrilled by your good results. I was just glued to your post to see how it ended. You're a fantastic writer.It held me in suspense.Prayers and love continue for you.
Lots of love, Barb

Anonymous said...

Renee, bless you so much. Your can certainly write how you are feeling and the second by second thoughts of fears and how your mind is going all over the place, waiting for the doctor to tell you the results, whew! I was there with you. I was on tender hooks.
Really pleased the little angel as arrived also and that you like her. I do hope so she will protect you.
I was taking photo's of my latest painting, I had to take them all agian as there were orbs. I will place them on my blog. I have been worrying about money and stuff. We support 2 girls in another country and would fight tooth and nail to keep their money being paid and have been prayingfor this also. O think this is somebody's way of saying there happy with what is happening and their here.

Jeannine said...

Thanks for sharing the great news!! I will continue to believe in the power of prayer and of course miracles. It will be a joyous Xmas for all.

Love You Always
Jeannine XOXOXO