Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Yesterday was a day of disappointments and a day of pleasant surprises.
I had many appointments at the hospital and many tests that needed to be done. My first appointment was at 8:30 a.m. in Cancer Care for blood work. This went off without a hitch and I was able to get my PICC done at the same time.
My second appointment was at 9:00 in Nuclear Medicine where they have a PICC line nurse available for me to flush my line in my arm. I was given radiation and they accidentally sprayed me with it and told me I would have to go home and put on a different shirt or it would show up all over the bone scan. They washed my arm with two cloths and then put each cloth in a plastic bag to seal the cloths so that no one touches them.
I go out for breakfast with Jacquie and she gave me a very generous Christmas present early. It is a beautiful digital camera with a memory card and case. I love it and have already taken some pictures.
I then go visit my Mom for an hour and then I go back to the hospital for my bone scan which takes place at 12:00. I am out of there one hour later.
Jacquie drops me home.
Jacquie picks me up and takes me for my CT scan at 3:30. I am to have the scan at 4:30 but do not have it until 4:50.
If you are still with this boring diatribe of my day at the hospital you will now hear me do what I do best; whine, whine, whine all the way home.
My arm is black and blue and I have six needle marks where they were unable to get a line in for the dye I need for my CT scan.
I told the nurse that they always have trouble and where the best spot would be to poke me. She does that twice and is unsuccessful. I now have my arm in hot water so that she can have easier access to a vein. One more attempt and it does not work either. I am now told to lie on a bed and with a hot towel around my arm they try twice more in my upper arm and once in my hand. No success.
As I am lying on the bed and she is digging around for veins I keep asking God ‘please let it go in, please let it go in, please let it go in.’ When she won’t try it anymore and it won’t go in, I say ‘fuck God’. I mock myself and say ‘God won’t do anything, why are you whining to him?’
The nurse tells me that they won’t get a clear picture without the dye but that they will get a picture from the oral contrast I had to drink. This is two cups of water with iodine or something foul tasting like that.
But the point here is that I need that dye. How is the doctor going to tell me if the cancer has spread or is stable? Will she really have a good enough picture or am I going to have to repeat this test in another few weeks?
I sit down and wait. There is an elderly man across from me and I think he reminds me of my Dad, only he is not as handsome. Then I wonder if Dad is anywhere or is it just over for him. I wonder if he is anywhere, why he didn’t help get that needle in, after all I am his daughter. I start to tear up and try to get control of myself.
I have my test and the technologist proceeds to tell me how the results won’t be as good as with the dye. I know, I get it. As I am moving in and out of the machine and breathing in, holding my breath and letting go, I start crying. I have to hold my arms up over my head and it is almost impossible. I cry some more and wipe my eyes with my sleeve hoping that all the technologists aren’t noticing. Have I just wasted a day for nothing? Will this half-assed test even be any good to my doctor?
They ask if I am okay and I hear myself, and I feel my voice must be unbearable to whoever has to hear it. I gag on my words. To make matters worse I cry as I struggle to answer, and then I really can’t stand to hear myself.
I leave and Jacquie picks me up. She asks how it went and I tell her that it went good.
I get home and Flor has sent me something and I love it, I feel a bit better. I read some comments on my blog. There are two I would like to share with you, because they truly reminded me of the generosity of people and the human kindness and faith in God that made them reach out to me.
Gloria had written on a lady named Yaya’s blog: “Hi and hope all is fine. I wanted to ask you to say a prayer for Renee of circlingmyhead.blogspot.com. She is going for tests today on her cancer and of course is hope for the best results. Thanks and I appreciate it.”
Yaya writes “Hi! I come by way of Gloria’s blog. She mentioned your blog, and I can see that you are a most talented artist. I’ve breezed through some of your posts briefly, and especially enjoyed the one about Nadine. I love the way you paint a story, weaving and adorning with words which are blunt, short, and heartfelt. I too would like to share a gift, and I call it that because it is free, by grace alone. I will lift your name in prayer Renee, and I will believe, WITH YOU, that all things are possible. That where two or more gather in prayer, God is there in the midst. I will believe and confess, with you, that you will share old age with your beloved and you will hold your Grandbabies at your knee, and that faith truly does move mountains. By the grace of God, in Jesus name, Amen.”
Can you begin to imagine how much I want this to be true?