Tuesday, 2 December 2008


Yesterday was a day of disappointments and a day of pleasant surprises.

I had many appointments at the hospital and many tests that needed to be done. My first appointment was at 8:30 a.m. in Cancer Care for blood work. This went off without a hitch and I was able to get my PICC done at the same time.

My second appointment was at 9:00 in Nuclear Medicine where they have a PICC line nurse available for me to flush my line in my arm. I was given radiation and they accidentally sprayed me with it and told me I would have to go home and put on a different shirt or it would show up all over the bone scan. They washed my arm with two cloths and then put each cloth in a plastic bag to seal the cloths so that no one touches them.

I go out for breakfast with Jacquie and she gave me a very generous Christmas present early. It is a beautiful digital camera with a memory card and case. I love it and have already taken some pictures.

I then go visit my Mom for an hour and then I go back to the hospital for my bone scan which takes place at 12:00. I am out of there one hour later.

Jacquie drops me home.

Jacquie picks me up and takes me for my CT scan at 3:30. I am to have the scan at 4:30 but do not have it until 4:50.

If you are still with this boring diatribe of my day at the hospital you will now hear me do what I do best; whine, whine, whine all the way home.

My arm is black and blue and I have six needle marks where they were unable to get a line in for the dye I need for my CT scan.

I told the nurse that they always have trouble and where the best spot would be to poke me. She does that twice and is unsuccessful. I now have my arm in hot water so that she can have easier access to a vein. One more attempt and it does not work either. I am now told to lie on a bed and with a hot towel around my arm they try twice more in my upper arm and once in my hand. No success.

As I am lying on the bed and she is digging around for veins I keep asking God ‘please let it go in, please let it go in, please let it go in.’ When she won’t try it anymore and it won’t go in, I say ‘fuck God’. I mock myself and say ‘God won’t do anything, why are you whining to him?’

The nurse tells me that they won’t get a clear picture without the dye but that they will get a picture from the oral contrast I had to drink. This is two cups of water with iodine or something foul tasting like that.

But the point here is that I need that dye. How is the doctor going to tell me if the cancer has spread or is stable? Will she really have a good enough picture or am I going to have to repeat this test in another few weeks?

I sit down and wait. There is an elderly man across from me and I think he reminds me of my Dad, only he is not as handsome. Then I wonder if Dad is anywhere or is it just over for him. I wonder if he is anywhere, why he didn’t help get that needle in, after all I am his daughter. I start to tear up and try to get control of myself.

I have my test and the technologist proceeds to tell me how the results won’t be as good as with the dye. I know, I get it. As I am moving in and out of the machine and breathing in, holding my breath and letting go, I start crying. I have to hold my arms up over my head and it is almost impossible. I cry some more and wipe my eyes with my sleeve hoping that all the technologists aren’t noticing. Have I just wasted a day for nothing? Will this half-assed test even be any good to my doctor?

They ask if I am okay and I hear myself, and I feel my voice must be unbearable to whoever has to hear it. I gag on my words. To make matters worse I cry as I struggle to answer, and then I really can’t stand to hear myself.

I leave and Jacquie picks me up. She asks how it went and I tell her that it went good.

I get home and Flor has sent me something and I love it, I feel a bit better. I read some comments on my blog. There are two I would like to share with you, because they truly reminded me of the generosity of people and the human kindness and faith in God that made them reach out to me.

Gloria had written on a lady named Yaya’s blog: “Hi and hope all is fine. I wanted to ask you to say a prayer for Renee of circlingmyhead.blogspot.com. She is going for tests today on her cancer and of course is hope for the best results. Thanks and I appreciate it.”

Yaya writes “Hi! I come by way of Gloria’s blog. She mentioned your blog, and I can see that you are a most talented artist. I’ve breezed through some of your posts briefly, and especially enjoyed the one about Nadine. I love the way you paint a story, weaving and adorning with words which are blunt, short, and heartfelt. I too would like to share a gift, and I call it that because it is free, by grace alone. I will lift your name in prayer Renee, and I will believe, WITH YOU, that all things are possible. That where two or more gather in prayer, God is there in the midst. I will believe and confess, with you, that you will share old age with your beloved and you will hold your Grandbabies at your knee, and that faith truly does move mountains. By the grace of God, in Jesus name, Amen.”

Can you begin to imagine how much I want this to be true?


jacquie said...

i can believe how much you want this to be true and i too will pray to god and ask dad to say "ALL TOGETHER GANG"
LETS PRAY FOR MY DAUGHTER RENEE" to god and to all the saints, family and friends who have gone before dad.

i am so sorry that you had to go thru so much yesterday renee.... sometimes it is just too much. why does it have to be this way for you. you don't deserve to suffer like that.

together strong

glorv1 said...

Renee, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that you did yesterday. I prayed for you yesterday and last night and thought of you this morning when I was making lunch for my husband. He still works. I told him about you and he sighed and said he wished you well. I also told a few blogger friends about what you are going through and they are praying for you. One friend blogger from Mexico Bob said his wife Gina is a cancer survior and that she believes that prayer and a positive attitude really help, and that they will be praying for you. The more prayer we have, the better. I wish you well today, and my thoughts are with you. Take care. I'm headed out the door in a few minutes. (class)

Anonymous said...

My Dearest Renee:

No such thing as whining, whining, this is only too human, I am constantly bewildered by the fact that you need to suffer this atrocity to the human body. I am thankful that God has answered our prayers this far (and I pray everyday for you). I hope his answer to the oral radiation YUK, (thank you for taking it after all you had to go through Renee) is that the doctor gets a good enough result and like the past results, that the hormone therapy continues to work. I really appreciate the prayers from others that you are receiving, as there is (I have always believed) power in prayer. And I love that AJ and Flo are there for you. Wish I could be, Thanks AJ & Flo.

God, I love it, AJ is right, ALL TOGETHER GANG, we can do it…

Love you

Julie said...

Hey Renee,

You kept coming to me in my dreams two nights ago and I thought about you all day yesterday. I guess this was why! Keep sending yourself across the airwaves; you've got some potent vibes!

And another thing: I work in the clinical trial industry, and I see a lot of data from cancer trials. What matters most is a optimism and a positive attitude; there's no mumbo-jumbo in that. When the tests become unbearable, have a party waiting for you when you get out, even in the waiting room. The more people there, the better they'll treat you. Those techs can be fucking assholes.

shelly said...

I couldn't sleep last night as I was worried sick about you - I didn't want to phone because I figured you would be exhausted, but in retrospect I probably should have, I hate that you have to go through any of this, I was thinking why can't it be someone else’s sister - I know that sound childish at my age, but I can't get that thought out of my head... I was going through your blog and came upon YaYa's prayer, I must have read it over 50 times - it gave me such hope and I too thought “ I want this to be true”

Meg said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that, that sounded just awful. I hope you get crystal clear, excellent test results.

Shelly said...

I have to add, as hard as this post was to read I had to laugh at the picture - great find!

I am... said...

Thank you for your thoughts you for you to continue to share. Your journey has not been fun. What a horrible day for you. I pray for comfort for your pain...
love you

angelique said...

Another yucky day. Why can't they get shit straight there! Why can't they read your file and have someone there that can get it in? Sorry to hear it went so crappy Mom.
Love you and thinking of great results.

YayaOrchid said...

Renee, just keep on feasting on the good 'meat' which is the Word. Keep praying and reading, until you are so strong, you will have the strength to hold on tight to his hand, and then nothing can ever come between you again.
If I may, I will begin by feeding you little 'morsels', slowly, because in the beginning, you feed a babe only such as he can digest.

Romans 8: 38, 39
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

The table is spread before you, Renee. Now enjoy!

Anonymous said...

My sweet Renee,
This made me cry so much. My new found friend and one that I truly feel in my heart having to go through this. What a strong, brave, incredible woman you are. I love you, Renee. You have special angels that will hold you in their hearts. (2 that I happen to know) I'll be saying prayers for you sweetie.
All my heart,

YayaOrchid said...

Renee, I don't want to bog down your blog with my comments, but I could not find an email addy for you. So for today, one more little morsel. It came to me as I was putting away our leftovers from lunch. Now, I wasn't thinking about Scripture, or trying to find something for you specifically. But I heard the Scripture in my head, and I knew I had to share with you.

Matthew 9: 22
Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.

Mark 10: 52
And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way.

flossy-p said...

I'm crying with you and for you.

I'm hoping with you and for you.

I'm praying with you and for you.

I'm believing with you and for you.

natalie said...

i'm praying for clear results. i'm sorry you went through so much yesterday auntie renee.

BEN said...

auntie renee, angelique has always told me growing up that things always seem to workout for me....SO i want you to know, i'm ABSOLUTELY NOT ready for bad test results.... ..sorry you had such a bad day!!..

Liz said...

My voice and love join the choir of people praying for you and believing in miracles.

Jacinta (One Little Acorn) said...

Oh Renee, what a horrible day to endure and I totally understand your tears! You have every reason to whine - it's totally understandable! I hope the results are all good.
I am sending lots of good positive thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

I'm in too, Renee. We all stand together in prayer. I have prayed over this message and thought of all others in joining with me in prayer.
May God take away your cancer. Amen.

Anonymous said...

Renee, the chain of people praying for you around the world is amazing. I too believe in the power of prayer and as you know I believe in miracles. I pray for a miracle for you every day. It breaks my heart that you had to go through such a terrible day. I am so sorry. Love You Always XOXOXO

Ronnie said...

Dear Renee,
Your story touched me deeply and helped me put my own life in perspective. Keep sharing your thoughts.
So many care for you and pray for you and want the very best for you. This outpouring of love has a lot of POWER! We'll be strong for you!
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love Ronnie - in a small town in Georgia USA

CarolineH said...

...To hear you whine, means to hear you breathe and live. Whining isn't such a bad thing if it means another breath into your lungs. You're fully entitled to feel that way, and to cry. To me it would be music to my ears. So you whine as much as you think you need to, because as long as you are, you're living. It's when there is that ear shattering silence, that a lot of hearts, including mine, will take another blow. So whine or sing or shout. hugssssss I'm keeping you close to my heart and in my thoughts. Just wanted to tell you that.
Love you,

(yes I broke down and got an account with my name instead of the infamous anonymous)

Noreen said...

Thank you for, once again, for your gift of being able to express from that raw and vulnerable level within. When you speak, I know I am not alone in this crazy cancer journey.

I have been told, on a number of occasions, that we are never given more that we can handle. I just would like to scream back, " who the fuck said that? I'd like to strangle the bastard!". Thank you for being so open to getting out this shit!

I to have been surrounded with wonderful people in my life. As wonderful, loving, generous, and kind as they are, none of them (as hard as they try) can fully understand the little demons that we face, daily, as the result of living with the result of mets.The physical stuff, like the day you had, is unbearable. I don't know about you, I find that what it does within is usually worse.

My dear friend, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for being a part of my life journey.

Love Noreen

Anonymous said...

Dear Renee:
Your comments make me stronger, as I feel that nothing can be harder to do than what you are going through. There are alot of healthy people out there that need to read your blog, so when things get them down,they will know someone like you is fighting an even tougher battle.
Keep strong and definitely positive!
Love You

mom said...

ok i am with that girl she is right
this is the month of miracles.
if you pray together then it will come true.
love mom
hi caroline and john
from daisy.

Camille said...

My dear sister I see that there are 24 posts of pure LOVE & HOPE & PRAYERS for you. As Colette said I too wish I could be closer to support you. There are 25 days in December when Christ was born, so I felt we needed 1 more post here.
Thank god you have Jacquie to be Together Strong. So Jacquie,THANK-YOU for being there for our Renee. Love you tons & I'm praying to MY ANGELS!

Anonymous said...

My dear Renee,
I add my prayers and love to the amazing list of support for you. What a long and difficult day. I have seen it all and relive it as if it was yesterday.I am so sorry you have to go thru so much. You are in my prayers every day.
Much love, Barb

Renee said...

Barb, thank you for adding your support. I know that it must be very difficult to read these posts sometimes because it must just bring back all of the horrible things that Kathleen (Kathy) had to go through.

Kathy was a beautiful and strong woman and I miss having her here. Her optimism was only lessened by her spirit.

Love Renee

Anonymous said...

Dear Renee,
Thanks for your kind words of Kathy. Yesterday was my birthday(Dec. 6th) and I miss Kathy so much on that day.Your kind words were pure gift.
Love, Barb

Deborah said...

I can't express how this made me feel. At times, even with a life filled with ones who love you, you can still be so alone. I pray you never feel alone again, as you did during that test. Sending you all my love, Deborah